I just finished reading a book my mother gave me over Christmas vacation called "For Women Only." When she gave it to me, my first thought was, predictably, "Ummm...I'm not a woman." But she insisted I read it, and so I have. I'm frankly astonished, considering both how simple we men are and how direct we are in our communication, that there are some things women don't understand about us.
That being said, there are eight things the author mentioned that men wish women knew about us. For every last one, I found myself stunned that women don't already know all of these. She used professionally conducted surveys for her research and most of the polls came back with three out of four men agreeing on any given topic.
I won't go through all of the things she listed, but the gist of it is that respect is more important to a man than your love. Yes, we want love, too, but we crave respect, and we look to the women in our lives for the strongest affirmation of our value. Comments about our inability as handymen, jokes to friends about things we can't do, nagging about household chores, and trying to tell us how to do things are usually seen not as harmless, offhand comments or helpful hints, but as a lack of respect.
Men are ultra-competitive, with each other and with themselves. When you make us look bad, particularly in front of other guys, we feel embarrassed, regardless of whether you meant to embarrass us. When you express dissatisfaction with our efforts, particularly if we've tried really hard, it makes us not want to try again. And sometimes, if we do really well, we don't try again for a while just because we fear we won't be able to top it and don't want to disappoint you.
We also have a spirit of adventure. We want to figure things out for ourselves. There aren't really anymore places left to explore on this planet and most of us aren't conquering generals, fighter pilots, or spies, so figuring out how to get from A to B or how to put something together without an instruction manual is a welcome challenge to us. When you insist that we stop for directions or read the manual, we hear, "You are incompetent to do that without help."
When we're nagged, some of us hear, "You are a failure because the light switch still doesn't work." Others of us don't mind the message so much, but with our pressure to perform at work and for our family, it's really not a priority for us.
Instead of making light of your man, ladies, try to build him up around your friends. Watch him swell with pride and his eyes light up as you do. Instead of telling him he can't do something, support him by trying to help him figure it out (without the manual or stopping for directions). Is it really more important that you show up on time to a party than that he feels you respect him and his judgment? Instead of nagging him, realize that his priorities may be different.
As an add-on to that last comment, men feel a huge amount of pressure to provide for their families, even if their wives make more than they do. It doesn't matter to most of us. We also often feel that we are one mistake away at work from being exposed as incompetent, even if that's far from the truth, so those two pressures are always in the back (and sometimes the front) of our minds.
Also, sex is not a purely physical thing for guys. No, we don't feel the same emotional closeness you women do from it and no, we don't get attached as easily to someone just because we've had sex with them. But sex is intimately tied to a man's feeling of self-confidence. When you are tired from an exhausting day and just want to go to bed and your husband wants you, it may be tempting to tell him you're too tired. What he hears, though, if you're either callous about it or do it often, is, "You can't even compete with a pillow in terms of what I desire." And I'm not suggesting that you give in to him, but do it reluctantly. We can tell, and it's not enough for us. We need you to want us, too, and to be involved in and eager for sex. Nothing gives us affirmation as men quite like a woman desiring us.
In short, for our in control visages, we're often insecure. We fear being exposed as failures at work, poor providers at home, laughingstocks in front of friends, and undesirable in bed. When you tear us down instead of build us up, it not only has a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves, but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want your man to be the kind of husband you've always dreamed of, make sure you're respecting and encouraging him, even more than you're loving him.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Men, Women, & Relationships: A Rant
OK, before I get into this, it should be noted for those who have not read my previous posts that I am currently and have always been single. That being said, I'm so sick and tired of how things are between men and women today, both inside and outside the church.
Outside the Church:
1. There's a "three-date rule" that states you should be having sex by the third date. Those who get it sooner are considered lucky. People give themselves to each other so regularly and easily that sex has become just something fun to do and has lost all meaning.
2. There is almost no true intimacy anymore because we've lost the definition of it. It's far more than just the meaning that is supposed to accompany sex. It's supposed to be two people baring their hearts and souls to each other, understanding each other in ways they never thought it possible to understand another human being, and being known that intimately. It's having a best friend, staunchest ally, faithful supporter, and trusted confidante. Relationships today seem to be afraid of that level of commitment and trust. People have gotten into so many relationships and gotten hurt so often that they have a hard time trusting others to the level they need to for this kind of intimacy to blossom.
3. Because of the hurt people have been through, they have far less problem hurting others. I've heard of a lot of cases where people back out of relationships or sabotage them, just so they can do the hurting instead of being hurt. They keep walls up that hurt both people.
4. Also because of the hurt they've been through, they respect others less. It's a factor of both the pain they've experienced and that certain aspects of a relationship that should be earned and waited for are given so easily, such as the physical aspects.
5. Men and women don't know what they want anymore. They know what they think they want, but most seem to be going for someone to make them happy for the next few months. They want true love, but don't know what that looks like. They know what turns them on at the moment. Confidence, a great body, brains, money, and a sense of humor, while all great things, have become the basis of a lot of relationships and not the icing on the cake of a partner with a good heart and good personality.
6. Overall, there's just so much selfishness out there. Both men and women seem to be looking for someone to satisfy them temporarily and, the more that person can give and the less they need in return, the better. People want to take, but don't want to give. When a problem in a relationship comes up, a lot of them run or get frustrated at the rising cost of a relationship.
Inside the Church:
1. The men may be more respectful of women, but in many cases, we're either so soft to the point that we are easily dominated or we believe falsely that leadership means dominion over one's wife. Many men in the church believe that respecting women not only means not demanding they do things, but also asking the women before doing almost anything. They are timid, cowardly men who have given all their power to women. It's not a position that women were meant to have nor a delegation that men are supposed to give.
2. Other men believe that the command for wives to submit to their husbands mean the husbands can demand that the wives do whatever they want. Leadership is a position meant to benefit primarily those who are led at the cost of the leader. Yes, the husband is to be the head of the household and yes, he is to be respected, but a good husband understands that his role is to sacrifice his needs for the needs of the family, his desires for theirs. He leads them by serving them. He must be comfortable with them disagreeing with or not liking him for a time, while still keeping their true best interests (not just what they think they need) in mind.
3. Women also seem to have fallen into one of two categories: the ultra-submissive woman and the controlling woman. The ultra-submissive woman believes that the man has all authority and power in a relationship and doesn't understand that the role of a wife is equal to a husband's. She is supposed to hold him accountable, supposed to voice her opinions, supposed to be carefully listened to in serious matters, and supposed to be respected and honored. She does have the responsibility of submitting to his final decision, but that does not mean submitting meekly to everything he says or does, no matter how harmful it is.
4. Other women have become controlling, mostly because they have been with weak men. When things need to get done, they take over, even though nearly all of them that I know wish that the men would be making the decisions and issuing assignments. Most women don't want the pressure of making decisions all the time. Even among non-Christians, one of the biggest turnoffs I hear is when a man picks a woman up and asks her what she wants to do on a date.
5. When a couple gets together at first, they seem to ignore their friends more than a non-Christian couple does. Whenever my non-Christian friends start seeing someone, it may be a couple months before I know about it. When my Christian friends start seeing someone, they seem to disappear from the group or be all over each other, announcing as loudly as they can that they're together. There's nothing wrong with getting excited about a new relationship, but leaving friendships behind isn't healthy at any stage in a relationship. There are times, such as the first few weeks after marriage or when children are born, that friendships will suffer for a while, but these times should be temporary and the friendships should be rekindled to at least some extent afterward.
My former young adults group used to be composed of nearly all singles. We had one married couple and a few on-and-off relationships. We were a fairly close-knit group. In the last year, nearly everyone has gotten seriously involved with someone and our camaraderie has suffered mightily. People, including me, have left the group; others are considering leaving it. There's far less care for each other and far less time spent with each other. Most of our friendships have stagnated or regressed because others are spending all their spare time with their significant others.
Lastly, both Christians and non-Christians seem to have set their hopes of happiness in someone else. I can't condemn people for this because for so long, I did the same thing. But we don't have to live like this. We don't have to focus on each other; we shouldn't focus on each other. God alone should be enough for us. If we get a relationship, that's a blessing, not a requirement for life. God doesn't owe us a relationship (or anything else) for serving Him. We don't need a relationship for validation or to be complete.
If we are blessed with one, we should remember what it is: a chance to serve the other person, to love them as God loves us. A chance to grow as a person and to help the other person grow in a loving, encouraging, challenging way. A chance to experience a great blessing God has for us on this earth. But none of these things should take the place of our God.
Outside the Church:
1. There's a "three-date rule" that states you should be having sex by the third date. Those who get it sooner are considered lucky. People give themselves to each other so regularly and easily that sex has become just something fun to do and has lost all meaning.
2. There is almost no true intimacy anymore because we've lost the definition of it. It's far more than just the meaning that is supposed to accompany sex. It's supposed to be two people baring their hearts and souls to each other, understanding each other in ways they never thought it possible to understand another human being, and being known that intimately. It's having a best friend, staunchest ally, faithful supporter, and trusted confidante. Relationships today seem to be afraid of that level of commitment and trust. People have gotten into so many relationships and gotten hurt so often that they have a hard time trusting others to the level they need to for this kind of intimacy to blossom.
3. Because of the hurt people have been through, they have far less problem hurting others. I've heard of a lot of cases where people back out of relationships or sabotage them, just so they can do the hurting instead of being hurt. They keep walls up that hurt both people.
4. Also because of the hurt they've been through, they respect others less. It's a factor of both the pain they've experienced and that certain aspects of a relationship that should be earned and waited for are given so easily, such as the physical aspects.
5. Men and women don't know what they want anymore. They know what they think they want, but most seem to be going for someone to make them happy for the next few months. They want true love, but don't know what that looks like. They know what turns them on at the moment. Confidence, a great body, brains, money, and a sense of humor, while all great things, have become the basis of a lot of relationships and not the icing on the cake of a partner with a good heart and good personality.
6. Overall, there's just so much selfishness out there. Both men and women seem to be looking for someone to satisfy them temporarily and, the more that person can give and the less they need in return, the better. People want to take, but don't want to give. When a problem in a relationship comes up, a lot of them run or get frustrated at the rising cost of a relationship.
Inside the Church:
1. The men may be more respectful of women, but in many cases, we're either so soft to the point that we are easily dominated or we believe falsely that leadership means dominion over one's wife. Many men in the church believe that respecting women not only means not demanding they do things, but also asking the women before doing almost anything. They are timid, cowardly men who have given all their power to women. It's not a position that women were meant to have nor a delegation that men are supposed to give.
2. Other men believe that the command for wives to submit to their husbands mean the husbands can demand that the wives do whatever they want. Leadership is a position meant to benefit primarily those who are led at the cost of the leader. Yes, the husband is to be the head of the household and yes, he is to be respected, but a good husband understands that his role is to sacrifice his needs for the needs of the family, his desires for theirs. He leads them by serving them. He must be comfortable with them disagreeing with or not liking him for a time, while still keeping their true best interests (not just what they think they need) in mind.
3. Women also seem to have fallen into one of two categories: the ultra-submissive woman and the controlling woman. The ultra-submissive woman believes that the man has all authority and power in a relationship and doesn't understand that the role of a wife is equal to a husband's. She is supposed to hold him accountable, supposed to voice her opinions, supposed to be carefully listened to in serious matters, and supposed to be respected and honored. She does have the responsibility of submitting to his final decision, but that does not mean submitting meekly to everything he says or does, no matter how harmful it is.
4. Other women have become controlling, mostly because they have been with weak men. When things need to get done, they take over, even though nearly all of them that I know wish that the men would be making the decisions and issuing assignments. Most women don't want the pressure of making decisions all the time. Even among non-Christians, one of the biggest turnoffs I hear is when a man picks a woman up and asks her what she wants to do on a date.
5. When a couple gets together at first, they seem to ignore their friends more than a non-Christian couple does. Whenever my non-Christian friends start seeing someone, it may be a couple months before I know about it. When my Christian friends start seeing someone, they seem to disappear from the group or be all over each other, announcing as loudly as they can that they're together. There's nothing wrong with getting excited about a new relationship, but leaving friendships behind isn't healthy at any stage in a relationship. There are times, such as the first few weeks after marriage or when children are born, that friendships will suffer for a while, but these times should be temporary and the friendships should be rekindled to at least some extent afterward.
My former young adults group used to be composed of nearly all singles. We had one married couple and a few on-and-off relationships. We were a fairly close-knit group. In the last year, nearly everyone has gotten seriously involved with someone and our camaraderie has suffered mightily. People, including me, have left the group; others are considering leaving it. There's far less care for each other and far less time spent with each other. Most of our friendships have stagnated or regressed because others are spending all their spare time with their significant others.
Lastly, both Christians and non-Christians seem to have set their hopes of happiness in someone else. I can't condemn people for this because for so long, I did the same thing. But we don't have to live like this. We don't have to focus on each other; we shouldn't focus on each other. God alone should be enough for us. If we get a relationship, that's a blessing, not a requirement for life. God doesn't owe us a relationship (or anything else) for serving Him. We don't need a relationship for validation or to be complete.
If we are blessed with one, we should remember what it is: a chance to serve the other person, to love them as God loves us. A chance to grow as a person and to help the other person grow in a loving, encouraging, challenging way. A chance to experience a great blessing God has for us on this earth. But none of these things should take the place of our God.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
God's Role in Our Lives
Dependence and submission have become dirty words in our culture. None of us likes to admit that we need help from someone else on occasion, particularly in personal issues. It's funny how we generally have little problem asking for help moving furniture or other physical or job-related tasks, but the moment it gets personal, we insist on solving it ourselves. Yes, I know it's because we don't like being vulnerable, but why do we feel that way? Why is it that failure to move a couch by one's self is not considered a failure of that person, but failure to sort through one's emotional and spiritual issues is, by either that person or anyone else? Is it weakness? Yes, in a way, because we're not strong enough to make it through life on our own.
There's another reason these words have taken a negative connotation: that you owe someone you depend on. When someone helps you, you feel (or should feel) like helping them in return if you can. To use the example of moving again, if you work your tail off for someone all day, you rather expect at least a pizza at the end, maybe that and another meal if you moved a house's worth of furniture. You'd feel a little offended if the person you helped either didn't meet your expectations or did so grudgingly. Why is it then that we should not feel gratitude toward those who help us?
More to the point is the fact that moving furniture is about a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance. Issues of the heart and soul are far more important, yet it is these that we try to work out ourselves. We may ask for advice from a few trusted people, but even then, we often feel uncomfortable doing it, like we shouldn't need to or that they are looking down on us for needing help.
I currently have a friend who is going through something, but won't say what it is. She claims that answers must come from God in this. While I agree that God's wisdom is best, God often works through people. Yes, He can just zap the answer into her head, but more often than not, He uses others to encourage, correct, admonish, and teach us.
For men in particular, when we ask for help, we feel like we've accomplished less when the task is completed. This is a huge pride issue for us. God doesn't want us to be proud; He wants us to prosper. He wants us to depend on Him constantly. Here's a little secret: you already do depend on Him constantly. The fact that you are taking that next breath shows that you depend on God for allowing you to do so. If it were not His will that you do, you couldn't.
For me, personally, I can say that all three reasons contribute to me not wanting to trust God as much as I should and lean on Him. I would feel that I was unimportant if I depended on Him. Guess what? I am! I would feel that I owed Him if I depended on Him for everything. Guess what? I do, even if He does nothing for me! I would feel that I am vulnerable and weak if I needed His help. Guess what? I can't even breathe without His allowing me to do so.
So, if you already need God in a deeper, more intimate way than you can fathom, why delude yourself into thinking you can do this whole life thing on your own?
There's another reason these words have taken a negative connotation: that you owe someone you depend on. When someone helps you, you feel (or should feel) like helping them in return if you can. To use the example of moving again, if you work your tail off for someone all day, you rather expect at least a pizza at the end, maybe that and another meal if you moved a house's worth of furniture. You'd feel a little offended if the person you helped either didn't meet your expectations or did so grudgingly. Why is it then that we should not feel gratitude toward those who help us?
More to the point is the fact that moving furniture is about a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance. Issues of the heart and soul are far more important, yet it is these that we try to work out ourselves. We may ask for advice from a few trusted people, but even then, we often feel uncomfortable doing it, like we shouldn't need to or that they are looking down on us for needing help.
I currently have a friend who is going through something, but won't say what it is. She claims that answers must come from God in this. While I agree that God's wisdom is best, God often works through people. Yes, He can just zap the answer into her head, but more often than not, He uses others to encourage, correct, admonish, and teach us.
For men in particular, when we ask for help, we feel like we've accomplished less when the task is completed. This is a huge pride issue for us. God doesn't want us to be proud; He wants us to prosper. He wants us to depend on Him constantly. Here's a little secret: you already do depend on Him constantly. The fact that you are taking that next breath shows that you depend on God for allowing you to do so. If it were not His will that you do, you couldn't.
For me, personally, I can say that all three reasons contribute to me not wanting to trust God as much as I should and lean on Him. I would feel that I was unimportant if I depended on Him. Guess what? I am! I would feel that I owed Him if I depended on Him for everything. Guess what? I do, even if He does nothing for me! I would feel that I am vulnerable and weak if I needed His help. Guess what? I can't even breathe without His allowing me to do so.
So, if you already need God in a deeper, more intimate way than you can fathom, why delude yourself into thinking you can do this whole life thing on your own?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
A New Year, a New You?
New Year's Eve is tomorrow. Time to celebrate the end of one year and the clean slate beginning of the next one. Let's all be honest here: most of our New Year's Resolutions should more appropriately be called New Year's Day Resolutions, because that's about how long they seem to last. I've done it before so many times, telling myself this is the year I'll learn a new language, get six-pack abs, learn to play guitar, learn a programming language, and, more recently, finally get published. Well, this year, I mean them. ;)
And they still may not last. Last year, I came up with twenty such resolutions. I followed through on just eleven of them, and that's being fairly generous on what constitutes keeping those resolutions. I now have a list of twenty more resolutions for this next year, some of which are the same ones I had at the beginning of the current year. Will I keep them all? Almost assuredly not.
Why? That's the question, isn't it? And the answer is simple: I'm resolving to change my actions and not my heart. I somehow believe that my life can be better by changing habits and leaving my heart the same. It's a losing battle if my heart is in the same place it's been. Sure, I may have the willpower to swear off Oreos for a year (for those who don't know me, I've had a lifelong love of Oreos. "Oreo" was actually the first word I learned to spell, so giving them up for a year sounded insane to family, friends, and most of all, myself.), but do I have the willpower to not do something more detrimental to my future or to make myself do something that will change my future for the better?
Perhaps more important is the question of why I am not trying to change my heart. I don't love people like I should. I don't get into the Bible as often as I should. I don't pursue God like I should. In all of these things, my heart is in the wrong place. And yet, "Love God more" isn't on my list of resolutions, neither is "Change my heart to love others like God loves them and me." I will put these things on the list, but why were they not the top things I thought I needed to work on?
As humans, we have a tendency to put the cart before the horse. We want results first before our actions change. We want a raise so we'll work harder. We want a relationship to help us work on our insecurities. We want our needs met before we'll trust God. With our actions, we want to change our actions and think that doing so will change our hearts. Everything is backwards. We must first analyze our hearts and then change them (asking God to help us do that) and then our actions will change of themselves. When our actions change, our results will naturally change.
Think about it this way: you know, of course, how you dress in the morning. You have an image that you are comfortable with people seeing you in. It's like in the Matrix when Morpheus is teaching Neo about the Matrix and says that the way Neo looks in the Matrix is how he pictures himself to be. If your style is not flashy, you won't dress flamboyantly. If you like lots of colors, you probably won't be going out in black, gray, and white. If you think of yourself as smart and powerful, you're more likely to wear a suit or nice shirt and slacks or dress. If you're laid back, jeans are more likely. How you see yourself determines your choices. Change how you see yourself and your choices change. Change your choices and your results change. If you want to be a new you in the new year, you have to change your heart first to line up with the person you want to be. Once you do that, you'll naturally keep your resolutions.
And they still may not last. Last year, I came up with twenty such resolutions. I followed through on just eleven of them, and that's being fairly generous on what constitutes keeping those resolutions. I now have a list of twenty more resolutions for this next year, some of which are the same ones I had at the beginning of the current year. Will I keep them all? Almost assuredly not.
Why? That's the question, isn't it? And the answer is simple: I'm resolving to change my actions and not my heart. I somehow believe that my life can be better by changing habits and leaving my heart the same. It's a losing battle if my heart is in the same place it's been. Sure, I may have the willpower to swear off Oreos for a year (for those who don't know me, I've had a lifelong love of Oreos. "Oreo" was actually the first word I learned to spell, so giving them up for a year sounded insane to family, friends, and most of all, myself.), but do I have the willpower to not do something more detrimental to my future or to make myself do something that will change my future for the better?
Perhaps more important is the question of why I am not trying to change my heart. I don't love people like I should. I don't get into the Bible as often as I should. I don't pursue God like I should. In all of these things, my heart is in the wrong place. And yet, "Love God more" isn't on my list of resolutions, neither is "Change my heart to love others like God loves them and me." I will put these things on the list, but why were they not the top things I thought I needed to work on?
As humans, we have a tendency to put the cart before the horse. We want results first before our actions change. We want a raise so we'll work harder. We want a relationship to help us work on our insecurities. We want our needs met before we'll trust God. With our actions, we want to change our actions and think that doing so will change our hearts. Everything is backwards. We must first analyze our hearts and then change them (asking God to help us do that) and then our actions will change of themselves. When our actions change, our results will naturally change.
Think about it this way: you know, of course, how you dress in the morning. You have an image that you are comfortable with people seeing you in. It's like in the Matrix when Morpheus is teaching Neo about the Matrix and says that the way Neo looks in the Matrix is how he pictures himself to be. If your style is not flashy, you won't dress flamboyantly. If you like lots of colors, you probably won't be going out in black, gray, and white. If you think of yourself as smart and powerful, you're more likely to wear a suit or nice shirt and slacks or dress. If you're laid back, jeans are more likely. How you see yourself determines your choices. Change how you see yourself and your choices change. Change your choices and your results change. If you want to be a new you in the new year, you have to change your heart first to line up with the person you want to be. Once you do that, you'll naturally keep your resolutions.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dependency on God
There's a story that Bill Gates once visited an African village and donated some money to help them build a well, have decent food and clothing, etc. One reporter asked one of the women in the village if she knew he was the wealthiest man in the world. She replied, "He's an American. They're all wealthy." And, in a lot of ways, we are. We turn on the faucet and we have drinkable water. We can easily afford devices to make that water almost perfectly pure. We have the latest medical advances, cars, TVs, and computers so we can read blogs like you're doing right now. Our biggest concerns are often dealing with our difficult bosses or co-workers or handling a little relationship trauma, not trying to avoid starvation, guerrilla warfare, and slavery. We don't pray to God that we'll live another day; we pray that we'll find a parking spot at the grocery store.
In short, because our needs are so much less, our dependence on God is too often less than it should be. And that's the situation I find myself in and just recently realizing I'm in. As you may have guessed if you've been reading this blog, I've had issues with needing a relationship for the longest time. I needed someone to validate me. Now that I'm finally ok with who I am, I don't feel that need, and so don't need a relationship, and so haven't been depending on God for one. I have drifted away from God because I no longer felt the need for anything He could give me.
What I am really saying when I do this is that the relationship, or perhaps better said, the validation from a relationship was what I wanted more than anything, even more than getting to know Him.
It's astonishing how often we treat God like a vending machine. We put in our prayers, a few good works, a little time in the Bible, and then expect that He will grant us our prayers so we can live our lives without Him. Instead of praying God out of our lives, we should pray Him into our lives. We should ask for more dependence on Him, that He work in our lives what He wants and not stress out about it ourselves, that He would become so enmeshed in our lives that going to Him is not a last resort, but a first resort. Even more than that, we should know Him as Father, friend, and king.
I've written about this before, but consider again the Lord's Prayer. "Give us this day our daily bread." It doesn't read, "Give us this day our year's supply of bread," or, "Always provide us our bread every day," it's a prayer of constant dependency on God, day by day by day. It is a constant walk, not God shooting us out of some holy cannon toward a goal or us wandering around aimlessly until we've stumbled into a lion's den and need Him to rescue us, deposit us back on the path, and then leave us again.
And that, I think, is the biggest reason why God so often doesn't grant us the desires of our heart: because our desires would lead us away from Him. They may not be bad things - love, marriage, kids, a promotion, a great job, money - but if they are things that will lead you to depend on God less if He grants them, He will not grant them. Focusing on God is the most important thing for all of us, not just because He wants us to, but because it is what is best for us to do. When our dependence is on God, we can allow Him to work His will in our lives, and not our will. We can trust in Him and not worry about whether things will work out because we know He won't fail us. We don't have to concern ourselves with whether we will be happy at the end because what He has in mind for us is even better than what we have in mind for ourselves...and at the core of that is a better relationship and more dependence on Him.
In short, because our needs are so much less, our dependence on God is too often less than it should be. And that's the situation I find myself in and just recently realizing I'm in. As you may have guessed if you've been reading this blog, I've had issues with needing a relationship for the longest time. I needed someone to validate me. Now that I'm finally ok with who I am, I don't feel that need, and so don't need a relationship, and so haven't been depending on God for one. I have drifted away from God because I no longer felt the need for anything He could give me.
What I am really saying when I do this is that the relationship, or perhaps better said, the validation from a relationship was what I wanted more than anything, even more than getting to know Him.
It's astonishing how often we treat God like a vending machine. We put in our prayers, a few good works, a little time in the Bible, and then expect that He will grant us our prayers so we can live our lives without Him. Instead of praying God out of our lives, we should pray Him into our lives. We should ask for more dependence on Him, that He work in our lives what He wants and not stress out about it ourselves, that He would become so enmeshed in our lives that going to Him is not a last resort, but a first resort. Even more than that, we should know Him as Father, friend, and king.
I've written about this before, but consider again the Lord's Prayer. "Give us this day our daily bread." It doesn't read, "Give us this day our year's supply of bread," or, "Always provide us our bread every day," it's a prayer of constant dependency on God, day by day by day. It is a constant walk, not God shooting us out of some holy cannon toward a goal or us wandering around aimlessly until we've stumbled into a lion's den and need Him to rescue us, deposit us back on the path, and then leave us again.
And that, I think, is the biggest reason why God so often doesn't grant us the desires of our heart: because our desires would lead us away from Him. They may not be bad things - love, marriage, kids, a promotion, a great job, money - but if they are things that will lead you to depend on God less if He grants them, He will not grant them. Focusing on God is the most important thing for all of us, not just because He wants us to, but because it is what is best for us to do. When our dependence is on God, we can allow Him to work His will in our lives, and not our will. We can trust in Him and not worry about whether things will work out because we know He won't fail us. We don't have to concern ourselves with whether we will be happy at the end because what He has in mind for us is even better than what we have in mind for ourselves...and at the core of that is a better relationship and more dependence on Him.
Friday, December 11, 2009
'Tis the Season
The four weeks from Black Friday through Christmas Eve will mean untold billions of dollars spent for loved ones, particularly children. Hundreds of dollars on new gaming systems and games, dollhouses as big as the girls who get them, and cameras, jewelry, GPS systems, and more for the older kids or adults.
To a certain extent, this largess is a good thing, for it is a way to demonstrate to those close to us that they mean more to us than our wallets, that we're willing to spend some of our hard-earned money or, in other words, work at our various jobs for a given number of hours, solely to provide them with some happiness.
And yet, there are five love languages, and only one of these is gifts. I don't know the percentage of people who have gifts as their primary love language, but if it's the obvious answer of 20%, it means that, for 80% of us, what we're giving won't mean as much to the person we're giving it to as what we could be giving them.
More important even than this, though, and the reason behind this posting, is to call into question how much we spend on Christmas gifts vs. how much we spend on charity. Yes, charitable giving is higher at this time of year, but is it really better for our children to have a Playstation 3 than it is for three children in Africa to eat for a year? Is it better that our girlfriends or wives have a diamond necklace than it is to support those who go into our prisons to preach the Gospel? Ladies, does your boyfriend or husband need that GPS system more than a missionary to China needs money to smuggle Bibles into the country?
I'm not saying no gifts should be given, or even that no expensive gifts should be given. My point is that we should consider what we spend our money on and the other possible uses for that money. Buying everything under the sun that the receiver wants may make the receiver very happy and, if gifts is their primary love language, make them feel wonderfully loved, but before you go on a shopping binge, just consider that doing this for that receiver means you can do fewer things for people who need them more.
The mention of love languages brings up another point. For my mother, gifts are one of the ways she tries to show love the most. For me, gifts are my least powerful love language, so there is a huge disconnect there. She knows this, but insists on giving me things because it's what she wants to do. It doesn't matter to her that I don't want her to spend a small fortune on me (a relative term, of course, as our side of the family was far from wealthy as I was growing up); she wanted to spend as much as she could to show how much she loved us rather than doing what mattered most to us.
Search your hearts and ask whether you are really giving gifts to those in our life because these gifts will make them happy or because it's just how you express your love. Love is always best expressed in a way that the receiver acknowledges it rather than that it is natural to the giver.
What is worse is when you give to win some sort of competition, as often happens with parents after a divorce. Each tries to shower the kids with presents to say, "I love you more than your mother/father." Let your love throughout the year and in the way that means the most to your children show how much you love them and let them be loved by the other parent, regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
Just as bad is when you give to validate yourself, telling yourself that you're a good person because you gave so much. Both this offense and the prior one show that your real goal is not loving the other person, but loving yourself, which is not the reason for the season at all.
For those reading this who are not Christians, you may read this next part and ignore it, and I understand that, but try to consider the effect just one person can have and do likewise. For those who are Christians, remember that the original Christmas gift was Jesus himself, who would sacrifice himself that we might know God and go to heaven. His goal was our benefit, not his own, and it was his love that paved the way to salvation for us. He had it all and gave it to those who have and deserve nothing. This Christmas season, be thankful for what He has given you, and consider giving to those who have so much less.
To a certain extent, this largess is a good thing, for it is a way to demonstrate to those close to us that they mean more to us than our wallets, that we're willing to spend some of our hard-earned money or, in other words, work at our various jobs for a given number of hours, solely to provide them with some happiness.
And yet, there are five love languages, and only one of these is gifts. I don't know the percentage of people who have gifts as their primary love language, but if it's the obvious answer of 20%, it means that, for 80% of us, what we're giving won't mean as much to the person we're giving it to as what we could be giving them.
More important even than this, though, and the reason behind this posting, is to call into question how much we spend on Christmas gifts vs. how much we spend on charity. Yes, charitable giving is higher at this time of year, but is it really better for our children to have a Playstation 3 than it is for three children in Africa to eat for a year? Is it better that our girlfriends or wives have a diamond necklace than it is to support those who go into our prisons to preach the Gospel? Ladies, does your boyfriend or husband need that GPS system more than a missionary to China needs money to smuggle Bibles into the country?
I'm not saying no gifts should be given, or even that no expensive gifts should be given. My point is that we should consider what we spend our money on and the other possible uses for that money. Buying everything under the sun that the receiver wants may make the receiver very happy and, if gifts is their primary love language, make them feel wonderfully loved, but before you go on a shopping binge, just consider that doing this for that receiver means you can do fewer things for people who need them more.
The mention of love languages brings up another point. For my mother, gifts are one of the ways she tries to show love the most. For me, gifts are my least powerful love language, so there is a huge disconnect there. She knows this, but insists on giving me things because it's what she wants to do. It doesn't matter to her that I don't want her to spend a small fortune on me (a relative term, of course, as our side of the family was far from wealthy as I was growing up); she wanted to spend as much as she could to show how much she loved us rather than doing what mattered most to us.
Search your hearts and ask whether you are really giving gifts to those in our life because these gifts will make them happy or because it's just how you express your love. Love is always best expressed in a way that the receiver acknowledges it rather than that it is natural to the giver.
What is worse is when you give to win some sort of competition, as often happens with parents after a divorce. Each tries to shower the kids with presents to say, "I love you more than your mother/father." Let your love throughout the year and in the way that means the most to your children show how much you love them and let them be loved by the other parent, regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
Just as bad is when you give to validate yourself, telling yourself that you're a good person because you gave so much. Both this offense and the prior one show that your real goal is not loving the other person, but loving yourself, which is not the reason for the season at all.
For those reading this who are not Christians, you may read this next part and ignore it, and I understand that, but try to consider the effect just one person can have and do likewise. For those who are Christians, remember that the original Christmas gift was Jesus himself, who would sacrifice himself that we might know God and go to heaven. His goal was our benefit, not his own, and it was his love that paved the way to salvation for us. He had it all and gave it to those who have and deserve nothing. This Christmas season, be thankful for what He has given you, and consider giving to those who have so much less.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Forgiveness
I struggle with keeping grudges against people. Those whom a I barely know or who I've not served are easy to forgive. I feel like they don't owe me anything save for common courtesy, so when that's denied, it's understandable since I know human selfishness is present in all of us. It's not right, of course, and I sometimes still get upset when it happens, but I can forgive it fairly quickly and easily.
It's when I've become close to someone and they hurt me that I keep a grudge. When I'm close to someone, I try to find ways to serve them and I actually get frustrated when I can't. And when I serve someone, part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks that they owe me more than just common courtesy, that they owe me some measure of love in return.
I guess it's the same thing as when you help someone move, you expect a meal or something. If you don't get it, you feel a little shorted, but it's only a few hours of your time, so it's not a big deal. But if you worked a job for years and did great at it and then your boss just stopped paying you and started giving you trashy assignments and mistreating you, that would be a lot worse.
I keep trying to tell myself that the people I've been close to who have disappointed me are just like those whom I don't know in that they're human, and all of us are selfish at our cores. The problem is that this part of me has a hard time shouting over the part that argues that I wouldn't treat someone like they've treated me and, to be perfectly honest, I can't think of a case where I in the last seven years.
What brought all this on? In my post on 10/29, I mention that I'd been going through a rough time. The person who caused this just sent me a letter (her second attempt to reconcile) and I am about to read it and respond. I responded to the first one poorly, mostly because I was hurting and feeling so insecure. I actually got more upset about that letter later than the original offense because her reason for the offense came out in it. So now I'm wondering whether it is right to be reconciled with her and to what degree.
I can make the choice to forgive her now, but it is still, unfortunately, not my heart's will to do so. But does forgiveness mean reconciliation? When Jesus told the parable of the king who'd lent a subject a large amount of money and then forgave it, only to have that subject take another by the throat over a pittance, did the king grant the subject another large loan just as soon as he'd forgiven him? No. Had that subject forgiven his debtor, we don't really know whether the king would have ever lent the subject money again.
And yet...in the parable of the prodigal son, the father welcomes the prodigal son home with a feast and open arms. Maybe it's easier for God to do this than it is for us because He knows when we're going to betray Him ahead of time so He's never surprised or disappointed. Maybe it's easier because God cannot be hurt by anything we do. Maybe it's easier because He sees the end result of everything so clearly while we don't even see the present clearly.
But does that give us the right to not even attempt reconciliation? I honestly don't know. How can I trust someone again who lied to me and pretended to be my close friend for five months?
And this is, I think, where God has to come in to the picture. I know that my sins against God outweigh hers toward me and that God has willingly forgiven me and so I should willingly forgive her. God welcomes me back time after time after time with open arms and here I have told her that I don't want to see her or speak to her again.
I realize this post is rather out of line considering the stated purpose of this blog, but this is one area where even though I may have the answer, I can't seem to live or make myself even want to. God, please help me in this. Where I am weak (which is a shockingly large number of areas), please be strong and help me.
It's when I've become close to someone and they hurt me that I keep a grudge. When I'm close to someone, I try to find ways to serve them and I actually get frustrated when I can't. And when I serve someone, part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks that they owe me more than just common courtesy, that they owe me some measure of love in return.
I guess it's the same thing as when you help someone move, you expect a meal or something. If you don't get it, you feel a little shorted, but it's only a few hours of your time, so it's not a big deal. But if you worked a job for years and did great at it and then your boss just stopped paying you and started giving you trashy assignments and mistreating you, that would be a lot worse.
I keep trying to tell myself that the people I've been close to who have disappointed me are just like those whom I don't know in that they're human, and all of us are selfish at our cores. The problem is that this part of me has a hard time shouting over the part that argues that I wouldn't treat someone like they've treated me and, to be perfectly honest, I can't think of a case where I in the last seven years.
What brought all this on? In my post on 10/29, I mention that I'd been going through a rough time. The person who caused this just sent me a letter (her second attempt to reconcile) and I am about to read it and respond. I responded to the first one poorly, mostly because I was hurting and feeling so insecure. I actually got more upset about that letter later than the original offense because her reason for the offense came out in it. So now I'm wondering whether it is right to be reconciled with her and to what degree.
I can make the choice to forgive her now, but it is still, unfortunately, not my heart's will to do so. But does forgiveness mean reconciliation? When Jesus told the parable of the king who'd lent a subject a large amount of money and then forgave it, only to have that subject take another by the throat over a pittance, did the king grant the subject another large loan just as soon as he'd forgiven him? No. Had that subject forgiven his debtor, we don't really know whether the king would have ever lent the subject money again.
And yet...in the parable of the prodigal son, the father welcomes the prodigal son home with a feast and open arms. Maybe it's easier for God to do this than it is for us because He knows when we're going to betray Him ahead of time so He's never surprised or disappointed. Maybe it's easier because God cannot be hurt by anything we do. Maybe it's easier because He sees the end result of everything so clearly while we don't even see the present clearly.
But does that give us the right to not even attempt reconciliation? I honestly don't know. How can I trust someone again who lied to me and pretended to be my close friend for five months?
And this is, I think, where God has to come in to the picture. I know that my sins against God outweigh hers toward me and that God has willingly forgiven me and so I should willingly forgive her. God welcomes me back time after time after time with open arms and here I have told her that I don't want to see her or speak to her again.
I realize this post is rather out of line considering the stated purpose of this blog, but this is one area where even though I may have the answer, I can't seem to live or make myself even want to. God, please help me in this. Where I am weak (which is a shockingly large number of areas), please be strong and help me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
