I went to the Renaissance Festival yesterday with Leah. If you haven't been, it's a big fair about Medieval Times through the Renaissance. Leah loves going. She has even made a handful of costumes to wear and gets compliments on them, even from people who work at the Festival.
There's a post about drifting off into a fantasy world on my other blog (getconfidence.wordpress.com), but the point of this one is different: I just want you to consider what makes you happy. Don't think about things that you believe would make you happy, but just about the things that already do.
Most of the things that you want but don't have are being idealized in your head. They usually don't end up being as good as you expected and are almost invariably different. That's why it's important to focus on what you do have. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be married or wanting that dream job, but don't let your daydreams get in the way of your reality. Focus on your reality and be happy with what you have; only then will you be in the proper mindset to chase after something better because only then will you be satisfied with who you are and where you are in life if you don't get it.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
You Lucky Ducks
My loyal readers on here are going to get a sneak peek of the topic I'm putting up at my other blog next week. :) I like working ahead.
I was at church yesterday and I noticed that there was a part of me that wanted to get my wife's attention during praise and worship. I had interrupted her during her devotions that morning, not without good reason, but also not without ulterior motive. I was asking her an important question then, but also wanted her attention as well as an answer.
I thought about this once I realized what I was doing and came up with an answer. When you're seeking your value in something outside of God, it will never be enough to be important. You have to be the most important. I know full well that my wife loves me more than she even loves herself. More than she loves her family. More than she loves the little boys she was a nanny to for a couple years. I am the most important person in her life, without question. I know that. Yet that wasn't enough because someone other than me was getting attention during praise and worship.
I stopped myself after just brushing my hand over her shoulder, but even that was me trying to take her attention away from God and tell me by her attention that I was more important.
There are two parts to this: the first is that if you get your value from your work, from your spouse, from your looks, or anything outside of God, you'll not only have no peace, but you'll be trying to be #1 in the eyes of everyone from whom you're getting value. Being good won't be enough, especially when it seems you're being forgotten for the moment.
The second part is that other people are doing the same to you. It's why you need to be rock-solid in your priorities, especially having your relationship with God first. Your spouse might get offended at being left alone for a while each day, but your time with God should come first.
Not only do you have to guard your heart, you have to recognize what these people are doing and why. They're (usually) not trying to take you away from your relationship with God. They're simply starving for their self-worth to be affirmed, and that means trying to be deemed very important to you whenever they're around. Keep your time with your Father, but after that, help others to find their worth in Him. Once they do, they won't have to seek it from others and their soul can finally be satisfied. (Proverbs 27:7).
I was at church yesterday and I noticed that there was a part of me that wanted to get my wife's attention during praise and worship. I had interrupted her during her devotions that morning, not without good reason, but also not without ulterior motive. I was asking her an important question then, but also wanted her attention as well as an answer.
I thought about this once I realized what I was doing and came up with an answer. When you're seeking your value in something outside of God, it will never be enough to be important. You have to be the most important. I know full well that my wife loves me more than she even loves herself. More than she loves her family. More than she loves the little boys she was a nanny to for a couple years. I am the most important person in her life, without question. I know that. Yet that wasn't enough because someone other than me was getting attention during praise and worship.
I stopped myself after just brushing my hand over her shoulder, but even that was me trying to take her attention away from God and tell me by her attention that I was more important.
There are two parts to this: the first is that if you get your value from your work, from your spouse, from your looks, or anything outside of God, you'll not only have no peace, but you'll be trying to be #1 in the eyes of everyone from whom you're getting value. Being good won't be enough, especially when it seems you're being forgotten for the moment.
The second part is that other people are doing the same to you. It's why you need to be rock-solid in your priorities, especially having your relationship with God first. Your spouse might get offended at being left alone for a while each day, but your time with God should come first.
Not only do you have to guard your heart, you have to recognize what these people are doing and why. They're (usually) not trying to take you away from your relationship with God. They're simply starving for their self-worth to be affirmed, and that means trying to be deemed very important to you whenever they're around. Keep your time with your Father, but after that, help others to find their worth in Him. Once they do, they won't have to seek it from others and their soul can finally be satisfied. (Proverbs 27:7).
Monday, June 3, 2013
Fare Thee Well
Ok, so normally I don't do this, but I liked this post so much, I thought I'd share it here, too. It's on my other blog at getconfidence.wordpress.com, but I know some people aren't following that one (yet...hint, hint. ;) ).
One of the most interesting parts of self-confidence is reflected in what we think of others. The higher our own self-esteem, the more we want the best for others. Generally speaking, the lower it is, the more prone we are to believing the worst about others. There are exceptions, of course, where people believe another person is nigh infallible, but this most often happens when the unconfident person is getting their sense of worth from the person they’ve put on a pedestal.
There’s a very good reason for this: it’s instinctual. We believe the same thing about love and acceptance that we do about food and money, that there’s only so much to go around, so we have to grab all we can. With our fellow humans, it’s true. We only have so much time and energy to devote to other people, so our love is something we only have so much of. Because of the constraint on our resources, we tend to make others earn it and expect to earn it from others.
Fortunately, God isn’t like this. He has all the time in the world, literally, and can be everywhere at once (for those who like “Word of the Day” things, that mean’s He’s ubiquitous 
) so He never has to dash off to meet someone else. Better still, you don’t have to earn His love; it’s a gift.
) so He never has to dash off to meet someone else. Better still, you don’t have to earn His love; it’s a gift.
This means that all the love and acceptance you’re seeking are already yours for the asking. You don’t have to earn them from other people. You don’t have to prove yourself worthy to them, neither do you have to demand they prove themselves to you. You’re free.
It means no more fighting for affection, no more seeing other people as competition for what you’re seeking, no more putting on your finely-honed facade in front of the world. There’s just nothing from them that you need.
And if you’re not competing with them, it’s easy to let them go on their merry way and wish them the best. You’ll love them more because you feel loved by God. You’ll want the best for them because you know the best is going to be provided for you. You’ll want them to experience the freedom and joy you are.
The flip side to this is that this gift from God, once understood, can’t help but produce a lot of humility. That we’ve been deemed valuable enough for Jesus to die for us is so amazing that I’m at a loss for words. I can’t pay that back, not in a billion years of perfect service. If you realize what you’ve been saved from and what you’ve been given, you won’t judge others simply because you know they are no more lost than you were, no more in need of God’s help and mercy, no more in need of knowing how much they are loved. Not judging them will help keep you from assuming the worst about their motives when they do hurt or offend you and it will let you forgive them much more quickly.
Notice that here, too, you’re getting the benefits of a stress-free life because you don’t have a grudge or dislike of someone hanging over your head. You love them and it helps both of you. And if you have everything you need, why would you have any reason to not give others what they need?
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Well, it's been a while, hasn't it? Marriage will do that to a blog.
If anyone hasn't heard, yep, I got hitched. Tied the knot. United our two houses. For fans of Game of Thrones, wrapped the cloak of my house's colors 'round her shoulders. Paid my sheep and goats to her father. And couldn't be happier about it. If you haven't yet met her, you really are missing out on knowing a truly wonderful and soft-hearted person.
From now on, I'm going to try to be on the ball here like a circus elephant. I'm probably not going to write daily, but I will probably try to write at least twice a week. This blog's purpose may change somewhat from being about confidence to being more varied, with reflections on the nature of God, life, subatomic particles, Dr. Who, or anything else that happens to kindle my interest at the moment. If you'd like to get all the thoughts on confidence, forgiveness, or the other books and projects I'm working on, I've launched a second blog for that: getconfidence.wordpress.com. Actually, I'd consider it a great help if you shared that with friends or told people about it (publishers and agents apparently appreciate when people other than your mother are your fans). A link on your site or blog works wonders.
Ok, enough shameless requests for publicity. How are you all doing? Seriously, news has been scarce since I moved this side of the Mississippi. Let me know what's been going on with you.
I don't have all that much else to say at the moment, as I really should be getting back to making a more serious point about the lesson I've learned in the first few weeks of marriage, so for now, I will leave you with a joke:
Before you insult someone, try to walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you insult them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
An Embarrassment of Riches
I am with Leah almost every day. We laugh, we talk, we hug, we kiss...and at the end of every date, neither of us wants to let the other go. We know it must happen, but every parting is an exercise in willpower. It doesn't matter that we know we'll see each other tomorrow, even if it's in the morning, such as it will be later today (oh the joys of typing past midnight!).
Why is it not like this with God?
When I'm with Leah, I feel amazing. I'm entranced by her. Every new thing she tells me about herself has my full attention. Every serious conversation we have, every time we get lost in each other's eyes, even when we just watch a movie cuddling together on the couch - she is wonderful to be with no matter what we're doing. I feel like I have an embarrassment of riches with her because of her intellect, sense of humor, how well we match, and how accepting she is of my flaws. These would be enough already for me to fall for her, but she's generous, beautiful, humble, easy to please, and has several of the same hobbies I do. That phrase, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" doesn't apply here because I'm still waiting for the first one to drop. I'm not naive enough to think she's perfect - I'm learning her flaws as she's learning mine - but she's such a great match for me that I find myself in awe.
The problem is that, while I recognize she is a gift from God, I don't seem to realize in my heart that He couldn't have matched me up so perfectly if He didn't know me better than I know myself or if He didn't love me more than I love myself. I have to fight to keep from losing sight of the Giver in the celebration of the gift. I know in my head how important it is to keep God first, yet my heart seems to always have different ideas, self-destructive ideas of seeking joy and contentment everywhere but the true Source of them.
And all of this brings me back to my earlier question of why I can't feel the same about God as I do with her.
Don't get me wrong. I love God. Between God and Leah, I would choose God. Yet I don't have the same passion for God that I do for her. When my Bible study time ends in the morning, my thought is, "Ok, what do I want for breakfast?" not, "When can I do that again? Tomorrow is too far away."
The problem is that I don't see Him for who He is. I see Him still as the source of things that can give me happiness rather than the source of my joy and comfort itself. I don't see Him as wonderful, merely His gifts. In an effort to change that, or rather to at least begin the process of change, I'm going to go through some of the aspects and roles of God.
First, and the only one I'll get to today, is that He is a God of goodness. He could have let us burn for choosing ourselves over Him, yet He redeemed us at the cost of His own life. Imagine that you sign a contract with someone in which you'll wash his car, do his laundry, clean his house, cook his meals, and do all his shopping every day for fifty years and, if you can do all of these things flawlessly for that entire time, he'll pay you $100 million. One mistake, though, and you get nothing. You start in on the cleaning and on just the third day, you leave a smudge on his car. Instead of tossing you aside, he cleans the smudge, then agrees to do all the chores required of you, does them perfectly, and hands you the money that you didn't deserve. He made a covenant with you originally, then superseded his covenant by paying your share of it. All you have to do is let Him.
Our deal with God is even more generous than that. We get Heaven for eternity rather than the penalty for our sins. We get life instead of death. And we have to do nothing but believe in Him and accept the gift.
If God stopped there, that would be so much more than we deserve. He's only just beginning, though. This is not a name-it, claim-it message, but God wants to give you good things, beginning with more of Him. He wants you to take hold of His strength (Isaiah 27:5) and ask Him for wisdom (James 1:5). He wants you to come to Him for your needs because He wants to fill those needs with good things (Matthew 7:11). He offers a relationship with Him, peace, wisdom, and our needs being met. These may not always be our earthly needs (much less the desires we've misclassified as leads), but they are always what is truly best for us.
The children of Israel saw ten plagues on Egypt before Pharaoh let them go. Then they saw the parting of the Red Sea and the pillar of cloud by day and fire by night. They ate manna from Heaven and still they complained against God ten times within the first year, so God said only Joshua and Caleb would see the Promised Land of all who were 20 years or older. Yet even though God had said they'd die in the wilderness, neither their clothes nor their sandals wore out. God protected them throughout. He let them eat manna, even after they spoke against Him. He still led them with the pillar. At every turn, God is gracious to them, giving them much more than just salvation.
Manna didn't have to taste like honey cakes, but the Bible says it did. It was apparently delicious. That was an unnecessary blessing. It could have tasted like plain oatmeal and it would have been a miracle. God just wanted to be good to them. God is not the God of just enough, but of abundantly more than you could ever dream of. At every opportunity, He is good to you without fail. Once we realize that in our hearts, we can start to desire the other aspects of God. Next post, we will discuss God's attention to detail.
Why is it not like this with God?
When I'm with Leah, I feel amazing. I'm entranced by her. Every new thing she tells me about herself has my full attention. Every serious conversation we have, every time we get lost in each other's eyes, even when we just watch a movie cuddling together on the couch - she is wonderful to be with no matter what we're doing. I feel like I have an embarrassment of riches with her because of her intellect, sense of humor, how well we match, and how accepting she is of my flaws. These would be enough already for me to fall for her, but she's generous, beautiful, humble, easy to please, and has several of the same hobbies I do. That phrase, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" doesn't apply here because I'm still waiting for the first one to drop. I'm not naive enough to think she's perfect - I'm learning her flaws as she's learning mine - but she's such a great match for me that I find myself in awe.
The problem is that, while I recognize she is a gift from God, I don't seem to realize in my heart that He couldn't have matched me up so perfectly if He didn't know me better than I know myself or if He didn't love me more than I love myself. I have to fight to keep from losing sight of the Giver in the celebration of the gift. I know in my head how important it is to keep God first, yet my heart seems to always have different ideas, self-destructive ideas of seeking joy and contentment everywhere but the true Source of them.
And all of this brings me back to my earlier question of why I can't feel the same about God as I do with her.
Don't get me wrong. I love God. Between God and Leah, I would choose God. Yet I don't have the same passion for God that I do for her. When my Bible study time ends in the morning, my thought is, "Ok, what do I want for breakfast?" not, "When can I do that again? Tomorrow is too far away."
The problem is that I don't see Him for who He is. I see Him still as the source of things that can give me happiness rather than the source of my joy and comfort itself. I don't see Him as wonderful, merely His gifts. In an effort to change that, or rather to at least begin the process of change, I'm going to go through some of the aspects and roles of God.
First, and the only one I'll get to today, is that He is a God of goodness. He could have let us burn for choosing ourselves over Him, yet He redeemed us at the cost of His own life. Imagine that you sign a contract with someone in which you'll wash his car, do his laundry, clean his house, cook his meals, and do all his shopping every day for fifty years and, if you can do all of these things flawlessly for that entire time, he'll pay you $100 million. One mistake, though, and you get nothing. You start in on the cleaning and on just the third day, you leave a smudge on his car. Instead of tossing you aside, he cleans the smudge, then agrees to do all the chores required of you, does them perfectly, and hands you the money that you didn't deserve. He made a covenant with you originally, then superseded his covenant by paying your share of it. All you have to do is let Him.
Our deal with God is even more generous than that. We get Heaven for eternity rather than the penalty for our sins. We get life instead of death. And we have to do nothing but believe in Him and accept the gift.
If God stopped there, that would be so much more than we deserve. He's only just beginning, though. This is not a name-it, claim-it message, but God wants to give you good things, beginning with more of Him. He wants you to take hold of His strength (Isaiah 27:5) and ask Him for wisdom (James 1:5). He wants you to come to Him for your needs because He wants to fill those needs with good things (Matthew 7:11). He offers a relationship with Him, peace, wisdom, and our needs being met. These may not always be our earthly needs (much less the desires we've misclassified as leads), but they are always what is truly best for us.
The children of Israel saw ten plagues on Egypt before Pharaoh let them go. Then they saw the parting of the Red Sea and the pillar of cloud by day and fire by night. They ate manna from Heaven and still they complained against God ten times within the first year, so God said only Joshua and Caleb would see the Promised Land of all who were 20 years or older. Yet even though God had said they'd die in the wilderness, neither their clothes nor their sandals wore out. God protected them throughout. He let them eat manna, even after they spoke against Him. He still led them with the pillar. At every turn, God is gracious to them, giving them much more than just salvation.
Manna didn't have to taste like honey cakes, but the Bible says it did. It was apparently delicious. That was an unnecessary blessing. It could have tasted like plain oatmeal and it would have been a miracle. God just wanted to be good to them. God is not the God of just enough, but of abundantly more than you could ever dream of. At every opportunity, He is good to you without fail. Once we realize that in our hearts, we can start to desire the other aspects of God. Next post, we will discuss God's attention to detail.
Monday, August 6, 2012
My Tank Runneth Over
In The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman presents a concept he calls the "love tank." It's the idea that in order to love someone, you have to have love in your love tank. Your tank is depleted whenever you love someone and is refilled whenever you are loved. It explains why it's so difficult for those who feel unloved to love others and why those who feel very loved can more easily do it.
One note I'd like to make on it, though, is that many Christians want to pour out a pure love for others, yet don't have enough pure love flowing in. Imagine that you are a waiter or waitress going around the restaurant refilling people's glasses with water. They want pure, clean water, yet you got the water from a rusty tap and the pitcher you're using had been used as a makeshift flower vase but wasn't washed afterward. What are the odds that the water you're pouring out is even close to pure?
Your love is no different. You can't give out any better or purer than you're receiving. To truly love others, to give them what they really need, you have to be getting what you really need. We so often look for love from other people and seek to fill our love tanks with friends, relationships, and family, yet we don't realize that all this love, wonderful as it may feel, is still contaminated if it is only human. Love is only pure if it comes from the source of all love, God. He can show His love through others, certainly, but these others have to have received it from Him. You can't give what you don't have yourself.
I'm not going to offer the overly simplistic advice of "just get in the Word and pray" if you want to love God more. It's good and necessary, but your relationship with God should be alive and real, not formulaic. Besides, I'm still working out how to desire Him more myself. This post is just to offer another reason we all need Him. :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
A Foreign Language
This post isn't really that theological, just something I've been thinking about. On my first date with my girlfriend, Leah, I asked her what her love languages are. Her top one is my bottom one and my second one is her fourth, but my top one and her second one are the same. It worried me slightly at first because it's a shift in how I usually express affection and so if one or both of us didn't successfully shift, the other could end up feeling unloved, despite the true feelings of both of us.
As I got involved with her, though, I found that the shift for both of us came easily. It got me wondering whether we're supposed to have primary love languages or those that don't speak to us. It seems that our love languages are set when we're kids by those who know how to express themselves well in one language or who express themselves terribly in another. For example, I heard so many different things about myself growing up that words of affirmation started to be meaningless to me. I'd be complimented to no end at home and then ridiculed by my friends. It seemed over-the-top both ways, but I felt it was more likely that those insulting me were telling it like it is since it's easier to be nice (especially for family who love you) than to say hard things, so I started ignoring the words of affirmation. It's been difficult for me to give a compliment since and they still don't mean much to me when I receive them.
But is this how it's supposed to be?
Somehow, I just don't think so. Consider Jesus. He showed all five love languages almost constantly. He spoke kindly and encouragingly to those who were lost. He served by walking to those who were sick and healing them and then by washing the disciples' feet. He spent three years constantly with the disciples, giving them quality time. When He healed someone, it was almost always through touch. And He gave us Himself, salvation, and then the Holy Spirit, not to mention the two separate occasions he turned a small amount of food into enough for thousands.
He accepted their praise and when they touched Him (I'm sure He was hugged countless times by those He'd healed). He accepted an act of service when the woman washed His feet. He accepted gifts as well (unlikely that He had enough money to support Himself and twelve other men for three years from his earnings as a carpenter), including the expensive ointment the woman used on His feet. And He died so that we could have an eternity up in Heaven with Him.
I think we were meant to show and accept love equally well in all five love languages and that we've been limiting ourselves and allowing ourselves to feel less loved than we are by ignoring some of these based on our past.
Here's what I want you to do: examine your love languages and ask yourself why you do or don't feel loved when someone shows their affection that way. If the answer is something in your past, I want you to forgive the person (if they turned you off to that language) and then, either way, try to start balancing your love languages out. Maybe you'll never get to the point where all of them are equally accepted and given, but we shouldn't be limiting how we feel loved because someone else failed in our lives. It may take practice and reminding yourself at first, but I think once you realize where your aversion came from and have let it go, embracing love in that way will come more easily than you think.
As this is just a theory I came up with a couple days ago, I'd be very interested in hearing feedback, either here or on my facebook page.
As I got involved with her, though, I found that the shift for both of us came easily. It got me wondering whether we're supposed to have primary love languages or those that don't speak to us. It seems that our love languages are set when we're kids by those who know how to express themselves well in one language or who express themselves terribly in another. For example, I heard so many different things about myself growing up that words of affirmation started to be meaningless to me. I'd be complimented to no end at home and then ridiculed by my friends. It seemed over-the-top both ways, but I felt it was more likely that those insulting me were telling it like it is since it's easier to be nice (especially for family who love you) than to say hard things, so I started ignoring the words of affirmation. It's been difficult for me to give a compliment since and they still don't mean much to me when I receive them.
But is this how it's supposed to be?
Somehow, I just don't think so. Consider Jesus. He showed all five love languages almost constantly. He spoke kindly and encouragingly to those who were lost. He served by walking to those who were sick and healing them and then by washing the disciples' feet. He spent three years constantly with the disciples, giving them quality time. When He healed someone, it was almost always through touch. And He gave us Himself, salvation, and then the Holy Spirit, not to mention the two separate occasions he turned a small amount of food into enough for thousands.
He accepted their praise and when they touched Him (I'm sure He was hugged countless times by those He'd healed). He accepted an act of service when the woman washed His feet. He accepted gifts as well (unlikely that He had enough money to support Himself and twelve other men for three years from his earnings as a carpenter), including the expensive ointment the woman used on His feet. And He died so that we could have an eternity up in Heaven with Him.
I think we were meant to show and accept love equally well in all five love languages and that we've been limiting ourselves and allowing ourselves to feel less loved than we are by ignoring some of these based on our past.
Here's what I want you to do: examine your love languages and ask yourself why you do or don't feel loved when someone shows their affection that way. If the answer is something in your past, I want you to forgive the person (if they turned you off to that language) and then, either way, try to start balancing your love languages out. Maybe you'll never get to the point where all of them are equally accepted and given, but we shouldn't be limiting how we feel loved because someone else failed in our lives. It may take practice and reminding yourself at first, but I think once you realize where your aversion came from and have let it go, embracing love in that way will come more easily than you think.
As this is just a theory I came up with a couple days ago, I'd be very interested in hearing feedback, either here or on my facebook page.
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