The Other Golden Rule

A few years ago, I had no car. It would have made my social life difficult, had I much of a social life to begin with. I was fortunate to live within a mile of where I worked, so I just walked every day. One night, however, I experienced in aberration in my social life, which led me to a coworker's house for pizza and games. This coworker had to drive me back to my place afterward. Her 12-year-old (I think) son accompanied us on the way back.

He began complaining that she hadn't given him his allowance yet. Her response was that she would in a few days when she went to the bank again. He whined that then it would be too late and that it had already been too long. She told him that if he didn't stop whining, she'd give him nothing. Immediately, he quieted down. I said, mostly as an off the cuff remark, "Let that be a lesson to you: he who has the gold makes the rules."

It wasn't until later that I thought about what that statement really meant. It's more than money equating to power as it so often does in our culture. It's really about slavery. When you have something I want but can do without, and I have something you want but can do without, we might negotiate and come to an agreement, or we might part with what we originally had. Either way, we won't be terribly disappointed or absolutely thrilled.

But if you have something I crave, and I have nothing you need too badly, then there's a power shift. I've given you the power in the relationship to determine whether I'm satisfied or not. The bigger the difference between our level of desire, the more power I'm willing to sacrifice and the more I'm willing to overpay for what I feel I need. I open myself up to being taken advantage of, cheated, and abused. And if I still see you as the best way of getting what I yearn for, I'll take it and come back to try to get it again.

What's worse is that the more I have to give, the less I value myself, meaning that I feel it takes more of me than other people have to give to get the same amount from others. My self currency, if you will, is devalued, and so I become more and more desperate the further my self-esteem falls.

Lastly, unless I have a never-ending supply of me to give, I will run out and be empty...and it will probably be long before I've gotten from you what I wanted so badly.

It's the problem with so many relationships. One party puts an inordinately large portion of their hope for happiness in the other person and subverts all their desires and self-respect to get that love from their partner. When men do it, it often leads to them being hen-pecked by spoiled wives who sometimes cuckold them. Other men and women see it, too, and lose respect for the man, just as his wife has already done. When women do it, they open themselves up to being abused - be it physically, sexually, or verbally - and taken advantage of with their time, money, and other relationships.

Here's another way to look at it. Say you're in a market in a foreign country and you stop to look at a booth filled with paintings. The trader notices you looking and says, "Oh, interested in those, eh? I'm a bit surprised. They're not very good. Look how much better this sea could be and how unrealistic her smile looks on this other one. Tell you what: if you take one at half price, I'll give you both of them. Please..." You might take them and think you got a good deal, but how much would you really value them?

If the trader had talked up the paintings instead, feeding you lines about how the artist had had some of his more famous works put in a local museum and complimenting the style and technique of the paintings, he might have been able to get you to pay full price for both of them. The paintings are the same. The difference in how you value them comes from your perception of their value, which comes from the seller's perception of their value.

There are two points to this particular posting: the first, as you may have already guessed, is that when you don't value yourself or when you want something too badly, you get taken advantage of. The second, though, is more subtle. It's that you don't have to want anything this badly from anyone else. God wants you to only crave what He has to offer, to be willing to sacrifice yourself only for Him. He will also give you an endless supply of His love, not so that you can give it away to others from whom you crave their love, but so you can fill their needs for love and point the way to God.

God values you and wants to give you more than you think you want. He knows what's best for you and what you would really enjoy most, and wants to give that to you. You only have to pursue Him, which becomes a joy once you are closer to Him. You offer yourself, and He offers Himself (not exactly a fair trade, is it?).

Perhaps this is what the Bible is talking about when it says, "Owe no man anything but to love him." When you owe someone, or are desperately seeking something from them, you enslave yourself to them. We should only do that with God, for only God can truly provide all our needs and desires. With Him, we get so much more than we could ever have hoped for, and can love so much more powerfully and purely than we could on our own. Isn't it time you emancipated yourself from others?