New Year's Eve is tomorrow. Time to celebrate the end of one year and the clean slate beginning of the next one. Let's all be honest here: most of our New Year's Resolutions should more appropriately be called New Year's Day Resolutions, because that's about how long they seem to last. I've done it before so many times, telling myself this is the year I'll learn a new language, get six-pack abs, learn to play guitar, learn a programming language, and, more recently, finally get published. Well, this year, I mean them. ;)
And they still may not last. Last year, I came up with twenty such resolutions. I followed through on just eleven of them, and that's being fairly generous on what constitutes keeping those resolutions. I now have a list of twenty more resolutions for this next year, some of which are the same ones I had at the beginning of the current year. Will I keep them all? Almost assuredly not.
Why? That's the question, isn't it? And the answer is simple: I'm resolving to change my actions and not my heart. I somehow believe that my life can be better by changing habits and leaving my heart the same. It's a losing battle if my heart is in the same place it's been. Sure, I may have the willpower to swear off Oreos for a year (for those who don't know me, I've had a lifelong love of Oreos. "Oreo" was actually the first word I learned to spell, so giving them up for a year sounded insane to family, friends, and most of all, myself.), but do I have the willpower to not do something more detrimental to my future or to make myself do something that will change my future for the better?
Perhaps more important is the question of why I am not trying to change my heart. I don't love people like I should. I don't get into the Bible as often as I should. I don't pursue God like I should. In all of these things, my heart is in the wrong place. And yet, "Love God more" isn't on my list of resolutions, neither is "Change my heart to love others like God loves them and me." I will put these things on the list, but why were they not the top things I thought I needed to work on?
As humans, we have a tendency to put the cart before the horse. We want results first before our actions change. We want a raise so we'll work harder. We want a relationship to help us work on our insecurities. We want our needs met before we'll trust God. With our actions, we want to change our actions and think that doing so will change our hearts. Everything is backwards. We must first analyze our hearts and then change them (asking God to help us do that) and then our actions will change of themselves. When our actions change, our results will naturally change.
Think about it this way: you know, of course, how you dress in the morning. You have an image that you are comfortable with people seeing you in. It's like in the Matrix when Morpheus is teaching Neo about the Matrix and says that the way Neo looks in the Matrix is how he pictures himself to be. If your style is not flashy, you won't dress flamboyantly. If you like lots of colors, you probably won't be going out in black, gray, and white. If you think of yourself as smart and powerful, you're more likely to wear a suit or nice shirt and slacks or dress. If you're laid back, jeans are more likely. How you see yourself determines your choices. Change how you see yourself and your choices change. Change your choices and your results change. If you want to be a new you in the new year, you have to change your heart first to line up with the person you want to be. Once you do that, you'll naturally keep your resolutions.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Dependency on God
There's a story that Bill Gates once visited an African village and donated some money to help them build a well, have decent food and clothing, etc. One reporter asked one of the women in the village if she knew he was the wealthiest man in the world. She replied, "He's an American. They're all wealthy." And, in a lot of ways, we are. We turn on the faucet and we have drinkable water. We can easily afford devices to make that water almost perfectly pure. We have the latest medical advances, cars, TVs, and computers so we can read blogs like you're doing right now. Our biggest concerns are often dealing with our difficult bosses or co-workers or handling a little relationship trauma, not trying to avoid starvation, guerrilla warfare, and slavery. We don't pray to God that we'll live another day; we pray that we'll find a parking spot at the grocery store.
In short, because our needs are so much less, our dependence on God is too often less than it should be. And that's the situation I find myself in and just recently realizing I'm in. As you may have guessed if you've been reading this blog, I've had issues with needing a relationship for the longest time. I needed someone to validate me. Now that I'm finally ok with who I am, I don't feel that need, and so don't need a relationship, and so haven't been depending on God for one. I have drifted away from God because I no longer felt the need for anything He could give me.
What I am really saying when I do this is that the relationship, or perhaps better said, the validation from a relationship was what I wanted more than anything, even more than getting to know Him.
It's astonishing how often we treat God like a vending machine. We put in our prayers, a few good works, a little time in the Bible, and then expect that He will grant us our prayers so we can live our lives without Him. Instead of praying God out of our lives, we should pray Him into our lives. We should ask for more dependence on Him, that He work in our lives what He wants and not stress out about it ourselves, that He would become so enmeshed in our lives that going to Him is not a last resort, but a first resort. Even more than that, we should know Him as Father, friend, and king.
I've written about this before, but consider again the Lord's Prayer. "Give us this day our daily bread." It doesn't read, "Give us this day our year's supply of bread," or, "Always provide us our bread every day," it's a prayer of constant dependency on God, day by day by day. It is a constant walk, not God shooting us out of some holy cannon toward a goal or us wandering around aimlessly until we've stumbled into a lion's den and need Him to rescue us, deposit us back on the path, and then leave us again.
And that, I think, is the biggest reason why God so often doesn't grant us the desires of our heart: because our desires would lead us away from Him. They may not be bad things - love, marriage, kids, a promotion, a great job, money - but if they are things that will lead you to depend on God less if He grants them, He will not grant them. Focusing on God is the most important thing for all of us, not just because He wants us to, but because it is what is best for us to do. When our dependence is on God, we can allow Him to work His will in our lives, and not our will. We can trust in Him and not worry about whether things will work out because we know He won't fail us. We don't have to concern ourselves with whether we will be happy at the end because what He has in mind for us is even better than what we have in mind for ourselves...and at the core of that is a better relationship and more dependence on Him.
In short, because our needs are so much less, our dependence on God is too often less than it should be. And that's the situation I find myself in and just recently realizing I'm in. As you may have guessed if you've been reading this blog, I've had issues with needing a relationship for the longest time. I needed someone to validate me. Now that I'm finally ok with who I am, I don't feel that need, and so don't need a relationship, and so haven't been depending on God for one. I have drifted away from God because I no longer felt the need for anything He could give me.
What I am really saying when I do this is that the relationship, or perhaps better said, the validation from a relationship was what I wanted more than anything, even more than getting to know Him.
It's astonishing how often we treat God like a vending machine. We put in our prayers, a few good works, a little time in the Bible, and then expect that He will grant us our prayers so we can live our lives without Him. Instead of praying God out of our lives, we should pray Him into our lives. We should ask for more dependence on Him, that He work in our lives what He wants and not stress out about it ourselves, that He would become so enmeshed in our lives that going to Him is not a last resort, but a first resort. Even more than that, we should know Him as Father, friend, and king.
I've written about this before, but consider again the Lord's Prayer. "Give us this day our daily bread." It doesn't read, "Give us this day our year's supply of bread," or, "Always provide us our bread every day," it's a prayer of constant dependency on God, day by day by day. It is a constant walk, not God shooting us out of some holy cannon toward a goal or us wandering around aimlessly until we've stumbled into a lion's den and need Him to rescue us, deposit us back on the path, and then leave us again.
And that, I think, is the biggest reason why God so often doesn't grant us the desires of our heart: because our desires would lead us away from Him. They may not be bad things - love, marriage, kids, a promotion, a great job, money - but if they are things that will lead you to depend on God less if He grants them, He will not grant them. Focusing on God is the most important thing for all of us, not just because He wants us to, but because it is what is best for us to do. When our dependence is on God, we can allow Him to work His will in our lives, and not our will. We can trust in Him and not worry about whether things will work out because we know He won't fail us. We don't have to concern ourselves with whether we will be happy at the end because what He has in mind for us is even better than what we have in mind for ourselves...and at the core of that is a better relationship and more dependence on Him.
Friday, December 11, 2009
'Tis the Season
The four weeks from Black Friday through Christmas Eve will mean untold billions of dollars spent for loved ones, particularly children. Hundreds of dollars on new gaming systems and games, dollhouses as big as the girls who get them, and cameras, jewelry, GPS systems, and more for the older kids or adults.
To a certain extent, this largess is a good thing, for it is a way to demonstrate to those close to us that they mean more to us than our wallets, that we're willing to spend some of our hard-earned money or, in other words, work at our various jobs for a given number of hours, solely to provide them with some happiness.
And yet, there are five love languages, and only one of these is gifts. I don't know the percentage of people who have gifts as their primary love language, but if it's the obvious answer of 20%, it means that, for 80% of us, what we're giving won't mean as much to the person we're giving it to as what we could be giving them.
More important even than this, though, and the reason behind this posting, is to call into question how much we spend on Christmas gifts vs. how much we spend on charity. Yes, charitable giving is higher at this time of year, but is it really better for our children to have a Playstation 3 than it is for three children in Africa to eat for a year? Is it better that our girlfriends or wives have a diamond necklace than it is to support those who go into our prisons to preach the Gospel? Ladies, does your boyfriend or husband need that GPS system more than a missionary to China needs money to smuggle Bibles into the country?
I'm not saying no gifts should be given, or even that no expensive gifts should be given. My point is that we should consider what we spend our money on and the other possible uses for that money. Buying everything under the sun that the receiver wants may make the receiver very happy and, if gifts is their primary love language, make them feel wonderfully loved, but before you go on a shopping binge, just consider that doing this for that receiver means you can do fewer things for people who need them more.
The mention of love languages brings up another point. For my mother, gifts are one of the ways she tries to show love the most. For me, gifts are my least powerful love language, so there is a huge disconnect there. She knows this, but insists on giving me things because it's what she wants to do. It doesn't matter to her that I don't want her to spend a small fortune on me (a relative term, of course, as our side of the family was far from wealthy as I was growing up); she wanted to spend as much as she could to show how much she loved us rather than doing what mattered most to us.
Search your hearts and ask whether you are really giving gifts to those in our life because these gifts will make them happy or because it's just how you express your love. Love is always best expressed in a way that the receiver acknowledges it rather than that it is natural to the giver.
What is worse is when you give to win some sort of competition, as often happens with parents after a divorce. Each tries to shower the kids with presents to say, "I love you more than your mother/father." Let your love throughout the year and in the way that means the most to your children show how much you love them and let them be loved by the other parent, regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
Just as bad is when you give to validate yourself, telling yourself that you're a good person because you gave so much. Both this offense and the prior one show that your real goal is not loving the other person, but loving yourself, which is not the reason for the season at all.
For those reading this who are not Christians, you may read this next part and ignore it, and I understand that, but try to consider the effect just one person can have and do likewise. For those who are Christians, remember that the original Christmas gift was Jesus himself, who would sacrifice himself that we might know God and go to heaven. His goal was our benefit, not his own, and it was his love that paved the way to salvation for us. He had it all and gave it to those who have and deserve nothing. This Christmas season, be thankful for what He has given you, and consider giving to those who have so much less.
To a certain extent, this largess is a good thing, for it is a way to demonstrate to those close to us that they mean more to us than our wallets, that we're willing to spend some of our hard-earned money or, in other words, work at our various jobs for a given number of hours, solely to provide them with some happiness.
And yet, there are five love languages, and only one of these is gifts. I don't know the percentage of people who have gifts as their primary love language, but if it's the obvious answer of 20%, it means that, for 80% of us, what we're giving won't mean as much to the person we're giving it to as what we could be giving them.
More important even than this, though, and the reason behind this posting, is to call into question how much we spend on Christmas gifts vs. how much we spend on charity. Yes, charitable giving is higher at this time of year, but is it really better for our children to have a Playstation 3 than it is for three children in Africa to eat for a year? Is it better that our girlfriends or wives have a diamond necklace than it is to support those who go into our prisons to preach the Gospel? Ladies, does your boyfriend or husband need that GPS system more than a missionary to China needs money to smuggle Bibles into the country?
I'm not saying no gifts should be given, or even that no expensive gifts should be given. My point is that we should consider what we spend our money on and the other possible uses for that money. Buying everything under the sun that the receiver wants may make the receiver very happy and, if gifts is their primary love language, make them feel wonderfully loved, but before you go on a shopping binge, just consider that doing this for that receiver means you can do fewer things for people who need them more.
The mention of love languages brings up another point. For my mother, gifts are one of the ways she tries to show love the most. For me, gifts are my least powerful love language, so there is a huge disconnect there. She knows this, but insists on giving me things because it's what she wants to do. It doesn't matter to her that I don't want her to spend a small fortune on me (a relative term, of course, as our side of the family was far from wealthy as I was growing up); she wanted to spend as much as she could to show how much she loved us rather than doing what mattered most to us.
Search your hearts and ask whether you are really giving gifts to those in our life because these gifts will make them happy or because it's just how you express your love. Love is always best expressed in a way that the receiver acknowledges it rather than that it is natural to the giver.
What is worse is when you give to win some sort of competition, as often happens with parents after a divorce. Each tries to shower the kids with presents to say, "I love you more than your mother/father." Let your love throughout the year and in the way that means the most to your children show how much you love them and let them be loved by the other parent, regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
Just as bad is when you give to validate yourself, telling yourself that you're a good person because you gave so much. Both this offense and the prior one show that your real goal is not loving the other person, but loving yourself, which is not the reason for the season at all.
For those reading this who are not Christians, you may read this next part and ignore it, and I understand that, but try to consider the effect just one person can have and do likewise. For those who are Christians, remember that the original Christmas gift was Jesus himself, who would sacrifice himself that we might know God and go to heaven. His goal was our benefit, not his own, and it was his love that paved the way to salvation for us. He had it all and gave it to those who have and deserve nothing. This Christmas season, be thankful for what He has given you, and consider giving to those who have so much less.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Forgiveness
I struggle with keeping grudges against people. Those whom a I barely know or who I've not served are easy to forgive. I feel like they don't owe me anything save for common courtesy, so when that's denied, it's understandable since I know human selfishness is present in all of us. It's not right, of course, and I sometimes still get upset when it happens, but I can forgive it fairly quickly and easily.
It's when I've become close to someone and they hurt me that I keep a grudge. When I'm close to someone, I try to find ways to serve them and I actually get frustrated when I can't. And when I serve someone, part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks that they owe me more than just common courtesy, that they owe me some measure of love in return.
I guess it's the same thing as when you help someone move, you expect a meal or something. If you don't get it, you feel a little shorted, but it's only a few hours of your time, so it's not a big deal. But if you worked a job for years and did great at it and then your boss just stopped paying you and started giving you trashy assignments and mistreating you, that would be a lot worse.
I keep trying to tell myself that the people I've been close to who have disappointed me are just like those whom I don't know in that they're human, and all of us are selfish at our cores. The problem is that this part of me has a hard time shouting over the part that argues that I wouldn't treat someone like they've treated me and, to be perfectly honest, I can't think of a case where I in the last seven years.
What brought all this on? In my post on 10/29, I mention that I'd been going through a rough time. The person who caused this just sent me a letter (her second attempt to reconcile) and I am about to read it and respond. I responded to the first one poorly, mostly because I was hurting and feeling so insecure. I actually got more upset about that letter later than the original offense because her reason for the offense came out in it. So now I'm wondering whether it is right to be reconciled with her and to what degree.
I can make the choice to forgive her now, but it is still, unfortunately, not my heart's will to do so. But does forgiveness mean reconciliation? When Jesus told the parable of the king who'd lent a subject a large amount of money and then forgave it, only to have that subject take another by the throat over a pittance, did the king grant the subject another large loan just as soon as he'd forgiven him? No. Had that subject forgiven his debtor, we don't really know whether the king would have ever lent the subject money again.
And yet...in the parable of the prodigal son, the father welcomes the prodigal son home with a feast and open arms. Maybe it's easier for God to do this than it is for us because He knows when we're going to betray Him ahead of time so He's never surprised or disappointed. Maybe it's easier because God cannot be hurt by anything we do. Maybe it's easier because He sees the end result of everything so clearly while we don't even see the present clearly.
But does that give us the right to not even attempt reconciliation? I honestly don't know. How can I trust someone again who lied to me and pretended to be my close friend for five months?
And this is, I think, where God has to come in to the picture. I know that my sins against God outweigh hers toward me and that God has willingly forgiven me and so I should willingly forgive her. God welcomes me back time after time after time with open arms and here I have told her that I don't want to see her or speak to her again.
I realize this post is rather out of line considering the stated purpose of this blog, but this is one area where even though I may have the answer, I can't seem to live or make myself even want to. God, please help me in this. Where I am weak (which is a shockingly large number of areas), please be strong and help me.
It's when I've become close to someone and they hurt me that I keep a grudge. When I'm close to someone, I try to find ways to serve them and I actually get frustrated when I can't. And when I serve someone, part of me, in the back of my mind, thinks that they owe me more than just common courtesy, that they owe me some measure of love in return.
I guess it's the same thing as when you help someone move, you expect a meal or something. If you don't get it, you feel a little shorted, but it's only a few hours of your time, so it's not a big deal. But if you worked a job for years and did great at it and then your boss just stopped paying you and started giving you trashy assignments and mistreating you, that would be a lot worse.
I keep trying to tell myself that the people I've been close to who have disappointed me are just like those whom I don't know in that they're human, and all of us are selfish at our cores. The problem is that this part of me has a hard time shouting over the part that argues that I wouldn't treat someone like they've treated me and, to be perfectly honest, I can't think of a case where I in the last seven years.
What brought all this on? In my post on 10/29, I mention that I'd been going through a rough time. The person who caused this just sent me a letter (her second attempt to reconcile) and I am about to read it and respond. I responded to the first one poorly, mostly because I was hurting and feeling so insecure. I actually got more upset about that letter later than the original offense because her reason for the offense came out in it. So now I'm wondering whether it is right to be reconciled with her and to what degree.
I can make the choice to forgive her now, but it is still, unfortunately, not my heart's will to do so. But does forgiveness mean reconciliation? When Jesus told the parable of the king who'd lent a subject a large amount of money and then forgave it, only to have that subject take another by the throat over a pittance, did the king grant the subject another large loan just as soon as he'd forgiven him? No. Had that subject forgiven his debtor, we don't really know whether the king would have ever lent the subject money again.
And yet...in the parable of the prodigal son, the father welcomes the prodigal son home with a feast and open arms. Maybe it's easier for God to do this than it is for us because He knows when we're going to betray Him ahead of time so He's never surprised or disappointed. Maybe it's easier because God cannot be hurt by anything we do. Maybe it's easier because He sees the end result of everything so clearly while we don't even see the present clearly.
But does that give us the right to not even attempt reconciliation? I honestly don't know. How can I trust someone again who lied to me and pretended to be my close friend for five months?
And this is, I think, where God has to come in to the picture. I know that my sins against God outweigh hers toward me and that God has willingly forgiven me and so I should willingly forgive her. God welcomes me back time after time after time with open arms and here I have told her that I don't want to see her or speak to her again.
I realize this post is rather out of line considering the stated purpose of this blog, but this is one area where even though I may have the answer, I can't seem to live or make myself even want to. God, please help me in this. Where I am weak (which is a shockingly large number of areas), please be strong and help me.
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