Last Night's Meeting

For those who prayed, thank you. It went a little better than I'd expected, but there is a ways yet to go. I'm still so weak, so human, that I can't just get over myself no matter how much I think about what God has done for me. But I made the first step, and I apologized for my behavior, which is something I didn't think I could do. Sometimes, God's grace is not needed for us to forgive others, but for us to admit that we have wronged them. Our pride needs to be broken, and one of the quickest ways to do that is to admit to someone that you've wronged them.

Last night was hard, and our relationship is not yet restored (and may never be as close as it once was), but it was such a valuable and sorely needed lesson for me, not only about my pride but about reconciliation. It's so hard to stay angry at someone when you admit you've wronged each other. I think anger is only possible when you feel superior to someone in a way.

Anyway, thank you again for your prayers. I pray that God continues to guide my steps and lead me ever closer to His righteousness.

Please pray for me

Tonight I have a difficult meeting of reconciliation with someone who has hurt me worse than perhaps anyone except my father. If anyone reads this today, please pray for me, that I would have God's grace and love in me as we meet and try to work through what has happened between us.

I still don't know how I'm supposed to trust someone who has broken the strong trust I thought we had in each other. I know that the answer is to trust God and not trust in people, but I don't know what that means as far as how I'm supposed to relate to her. I know I'm supposed to forgive her and move on and treat her with love as God treats me, but I don't know the extent to which our friendship needs to go back to how it was before.

Thank you for your prayers.

Infinite Grace

Wife: Goodbye, honey. I'm going out to dinner with another man. Don't wait up, because I probably won't be home tonight.

Husband: I wish you wouldn't go. It's not what's best for you or our relationship.

Wife: Why don't you stop me then?

Husband: Because I love you too much to force you to do what's right. You have to love me for me or not at all.

Wife: I do love you, but I want this. I'll be back someday.

___________________________________________

The next morning:

Wife: Honey, I'm back, and I'm sorry!

Husband: I've missed you so much. (wraps her in a big hug) I forgive you, and I want us to be together again, just like nothing ever happened.

Wife: I don't deserve this.

Husband: I know. But that's not the point. The point is that I love you.


OK, how many of you, after reading that, thought the husband was too loving and too forgiving? How many thought he was a doormat? How many of you wanted to yell at the wife or thought, "If I were the husband, I'd divorce her in a heartbeat?"

You're the wife. All of you. Me, too. We are the bride of Christ. We're supposed to give all of our hearts to Him, and yet we give in to our anger, pride, lust, greed, laziness, and fears. We tell ourselves that we deserve something because we didn't do something else. We say we can't do this for God because someone else may not like it. We go too far when making out with our girlfriends or boyfriends and excuse it because "one thing led to another and before we knew it..." We hold grudges against those who don't give us all the respect we think we deserve, or who offend us or lie to us or cheat us out of something we think we've earned. We judge others and tell ourselves we're better because we "would never do such a thing." We know what's right, and we don't do it. We know what's wrong, and make excuses to do it. Even when there are no excuses, we just decide to do it anyway.

Our hearts do not beat for our God. He knows what we're doing and why we're doing it. Every time we choose something other than Him, He's aware of it and knows our hearts even better than we do. Yet He still somehow welcomes us back. He doesn't beat us over the head with what we've done, even though He has every right to. He doesn't put restrictions on us and demand that we perform to His standards for a set period of time before He'll love us and accept us again. Knowing we'll march right back out the door and cheat on Him again, He welcomes us back.

Why? Because He loves us. It's not because we're valuable. That's the point. If it depended on our value in any way, His love would be insufficient. He loves us, not because of how good we are, for we're nothing; not for what we do, for we can't add to or take away from Him at all; not for the love we can offer Him, because our love is so impure and His love being dependent on ours would make Him subservient in a way to us. He loves us simply because He loves us.

How? I don't know. I don't think we can possibly comprehend it. And that's a good thing, because if we could comprehend it, I don't think it would mean as much. We couldn't be in awe of it when we thought about it like we can be now.

As you go about your day today, try to wrap your head around what you're doing every time you sin, every time you choose something else above God, and then how willingly, how eagerly, He accepts you back. His love and grace are infinite, and thank God for that.

Reflections on Priorities

A tragic earthquake struck Haiti earlier this week, killing tens of thousands and destroying many buildings. People down there have few resources to help them clean up and, even with the rush of volunteers and humanitarian agencies doing their best to help, for most of the victims buried under the rubble, it will be too late by the time they're found, from dying of thirst if not from blood loss or infection.

And here I sit in my house, all comfortable and typing away on my laptop. My car sits in the parking space outside my window. My refrigerator is stocked with milk, eggs, butter, ham, and other foods. I have a pantry with cereals, canned vegetables and tuna, all the spices I usually use, rice, etc. I can run the tap at any time and get drinkable water, or turn on the purifier and get nearly perfect water. I'm wearing clothes that are less than two years old. I have a cell phone, too. And there are offices of general practitioners, chiropractors, optometrists, and dentists all within a few miles.

Considering all I have, how is it I'm not more grateful? It is a tremendous blessing to be in this country, or to be in any first-world country. No, my car isn't a Ferrari, my house isn't a mansion (it's not even mine, I rent), and I have no steaks or lobster on hand, but I'm so blessed to be here. Life is good here.

And God put me here for a reason. That reason is NOT to enjoy the good of this land and contribute nothing to those who have less. It is NOT to celebrate my having won the birth location lottery. It is to be a blessing as I am able. "From whom much is given, much is required." And we have been given oh so much.

As we set about giving, let us remember that giving financially or of our time to relief efforts like Haiti is wonderful, but the things of this world will pass away into dust. You and I, all our friends and family, all the buildings that we see, will one day return to the earth as dust and ruins. Only people's souls matter. Give in a way that touches their hearts, that makes them want to know Who you know, that leads them to the Father. The same God Who has given you so much on this earth wants to give everyone infinitely more in Heaven.

Temptations

We all face temptations in this life, and we all fall to them. Most of the time, if we were to be honest with ourselves, there's not even an excuse. It's just that we want something more than we want God. We can't blame it on normal financial worries, hormones, waking up on the wrong side of the bed, or any of our other usual fallbacks. It's us. Completely us.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 10:13 that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." In other words, we can't say the devil made us do it or that we were too weak to resist but really, really wanted to. Yes, in ourselves, we are too weak, but God will always be there to help and, if we let Him, will be enough for us to resist the temptation.

There are times that I've relied on Him (and, to a certain extent, the sense of honor I have) to keep me from giving in to temptations. I'll admit that I've been proud of myself afterward...only to fall to a different temptation or the same temptation in a different form later that day. A few times, I've even sinned a "lesser sin" as a reward for overcoming a temptation.

The point is that the heart is evil and seems to turn from God to things at every opportunity it gets. And I don't really know why. Logic would dictate that since God is:
1. Omnipotent
2. Omniscient
3. Ubiquitous
4. Has our best interests in mind
that we should trust Him implicitly in everything. Yet we don't. The same logic would dictate that we give up our wants and needs to Him to determine and meet since He knows what is truly best for us, but again, we don't.

I get mad at my friends sometimes when they don't trust me. I consider myself almost above reproach on honesty and trustworthiness; having been lied to and deceived by many of those close to me all my life, I've taken special care to not do the same to others. And I've failed in some instances, despite my best efforts. God is above all reproach and yet we don't trust Him. He still loves us, whereas I want to ditch my friends if their suspicions continue.

I can't understand it. Seriously, if anyone has the answer to why we would reject that which we seek the most (pure love), distrust the one true Being in the universe, and instead seek happiness and place our faith in molded dust, please post a comment.

Note to Men

This will be a relatively short posting, not because there is not much to say, but because I have mentioned some of it before. Men, there's a lot you need to know about women. You already know they're more complex than we are and more emotional. You know they are more communicative and relational. You know they are more about relationships and feelings than looks and physical aspects.

But do you know their need for adventure? Safety and security while not being smothered? To be known on an intimate level by you? Do you even know what really makes her tick?

Your wife or girlfriend needs more than to know that you love her. Love, in and of itself, isn't enough. There needs to be excitement. You two need to be doing something fun and new once in a while or, better still, chasing a dream that's bigger than you. I'm not necessarily suggesting going sky-diving or bungee-jumping (although if you both want to, go for it), but her life needs to have some sort of unpredictability in it and something new once in a while. And that something needs to have you by her side to make her feel safe.

Even more important than this, though, is that she wants you to understand her, or at least make every effort to. Many of my female friends have told me that they don't understand themselves sometimes, so there is grace for you not understanding them. At the same time, though, many men give up trying to understand their wife on more than a surface level. They don't pry too far into what makes her the uniquely wonderful person she is, usually because they're either afraid they'll mess up somehow on the journey or not understand once they get there.

At the heart of most women, they're asking, "Am I beautiful?" This is not referring to just physical beauty, even though they want to be physically desired as well. It goes beyond that. They want you to know their flaws, insecurities, stumbling blocks, weaknesses, and pet peeves...and love them anyway. They want to be able to be real around you and share everything about themselves with you. If you don't want to hear about it, they feel they're not as desirable and loved as they want to be, even if you cherish them.

Lastly, let's face it: we've all wanted to take advantage of a woman at some point in our lives. I don't just mean we wanted to try to have sex with them when they're crying on our shoulder, but trying to go out with them when they're weak emotionally, too. We can't do this. Even if we treat the women well, it's not right, simply because we don't know that it's what they would have chosen had they not been emotional at the time.

I had a close friend who had been used by a guy. She told me she really liked me and wanted to go out with me. I didn't, both because it wouldn't work out and because I knew it wasn't me that she wanted. That's the other side of it: if a woman is emotional, she's not into you, she's into you as a replacement for what she really wants. It's not fair to you, her, or your future spouses to become entangled in that. Win her when she's feeling well, or be her friend and friend only. Using women will only hurt them in the end, making them distrust us even more.

Note to Women

I just finished reading a book my mother gave me over Christmas vacation called "For Women Only." When she gave it to me, my first thought was, predictably, "Ummm...I'm not a woman." But she insisted I read it, and so I have. I'm frankly astonished, considering both how simple we men are and how direct we are in our communication, that there are some things women don't understand about us.

That being said, there are eight things the author mentioned that men wish women knew about us. For every last one, I found myself stunned that women don't already know all of these. She used professionally conducted surveys for her research and most of the polls came back with three out of four men agreeing on any given topic.

I won't go through all of the things she listed, but the gist of it is that respect is more important to a man than your love. Yes, we want love, too, but we crave respect, and we look to the women in our lives for the strongest affirmation of our value. Comments about our inability as handymen, jokes to friends about things we can't do, nagging about household chores, and trying to tell us how to do things are usually seen not as harmless, offhand comments or helpful hints, but as a lack of respect.

Men are ultra-competitive, with each other and with themselves. When you make us look bad, particularly in front of other guys, we feel embarrassed, regardless of whether you meant to embarrass us. When you express dissatisfaction with our efforts, particularly if we've tried really hard, it makes us not want to try again. And sometimes, if we do really well, we don't try again for a while just because we fear we won't be able to top it and don't want to disappoint you.

We also have a spirit of adventure. We want to figure things out for ourselves. There aren't really anymore places left to explore on this planet and most of us aren't conquering generals, fighter pilots, or spies, so figuring out how to get from A to B or how to put something together without an instruction manual is a welcome challenge to us. When you insist that we stop for directions or read the manual, we hear, "You are incompetent to do that without help."

When we're nagged, some of us hear, "You are a failure because the light switch still doesn't work." Others of us don't mind the message so much, but with our pressure to perform at work and for our family, it's really not a priority for us.

Instead of making light of your man, ladies, try to build him up around your friends. Watch him swell with pride and his eyes light up as you do. Instead of telling him he can't do something, support him by trying to help him figure it out (without the manual or stopping for directions). Is it really more important that you show up on time to a party than that he feels you respect him and his judgment? Instead of nagging him, realize that his priorities may be different.

As an add-on to that last comment, men feel a huge amount of pressure to provide for their families, even if their wives make more than they do. It doesn't matter to most of us. We also often feel that we are one mistake away at work from being exposed as incompetent, even if that's far from the truth, so those two pressures are always in the back (and sometimes the front) of our minds.

Also, sex is not a purely physical thing for guys. No, we don't feel the same emotional closeness you women do from it and no, we don't get attached as easily to someone just because we've had sex with them. But sex is intimately tied to a man's feeling of self-confidence. When you are tired from an exhausting day and just want to go to bed and your husband wants you, it may be tempting to tell him you're too tired. What he hears, though, if you're either callous about it or do it often, is, "You can't even compete with a pillow in terms of what I desire." And I'm not suggesting that you give in to him, but do it reluctantly. We can tell, and it's not enough for us. We need you to want us, too, and to be involved in and eager for sex. Nothing gives us affirmation as men quite like a woman desiring us.

In short, for our in control visages, we're often insecure. We fear being exposed as failures at work, poor providers at home, laughingstocks in front of friends, and undesirable in bed. When you tear us down instead of build us up, it not only has a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves, but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want your man to be the kind of husband you've always dreamed of, make sure you're respecting and encouraging him, even more than you're loving him.

Men, Women, & Relationships: A Rant

OK, before I get into this, it should be noted for those who have not read my previous posts that I am currently and have always been single. That being said, I'm so sick and tired of how things are between men and women today, both inside and outside the church.

Outside the Church:
1. There's a "three-date rule" that states you should be having sex by the third date. Those who get it sooner are considered lucky. People give themselves to each other so regularly and easily that sex has become just something fun to do and has lost all meaning.

2. There is almost no true intimacy anymore because we've lost the definition of it. It's far more than just the meaning that is supposed to accompany sex. It's supposed to be two people baring their hearts and souls to each other, understanding each other in ways they never thought it possible to understand another human being, and being known that intimately. It's having a best friend, staunchest ally, faithful supporter, and trusted confidante. Relationships today seem to be afraid of that level of commitment and trust. People have gotten into so many relationships and gotten hurt so often that they have a hard time trusting others to the level they need to for this kind of intimacy to blossom.

3. Because of the hurt people have been through, they have far less problem hurting others. I've heard of a lot of cases where people back out of relationships or sabotage them, just so they can do the hurting instead of being hurt. They keep walls up that hurt both people.

4. Also because of the hurt they've been through, they respect others less. It's a factor of both the pain they've experienced and that certain aspects of a relationship that should be earned and waited for are given so easily, such as the physical aspects.

5. Men and women don't know what they want anymore. They know what they think they want, but most seem to be going for someone to make them happy for the next few months. They want true love, but don't know what that looks like. They know what turns them on at the moment. Confidence, a great body, brains, money, and a sense of humor, while all great things, have become the basis of a lot of relationships and not the icing on the cake of a partner with a good heart and good personality.

6. Overall, there's just so much selfishness out there. Both men and women seem to be looking for someone to satisfy them temporarily and, the more that person can give and the less they need in return, the better. People want to take, but don't want to give. When a problem in a relationship comes up, a lot of them run or get frustrated at the rising cost of a relationship.

Inside the Church:

1. The men may be more respectful of women, but in many cases, we're either so soft to the point that we are easily dominated or we believe falsely that leadership means dominion over one's wife. Many men in the church believe that respecting women not only means not demanding they do things, but also asking the women before doing almost anything. They are timid, cowardly men who have given all their power to women. It's not a position that women were meant to have nor a delegation that men are supposed to give.

2. Other men believe that the command for wives to submit to their husbands mean the husbands can demand that the wives do whatever they want. Leadership is a position meant to benefit primarily those who are led at the cost of the leader. Yes, the husband is to be the head of the household and yes, he is to be respected, but a good husband understands that his role is to sacrifice his needs for the needs of the family, his desires for theirs. He leads them by serving them. He must be comfortable with them disagreeing with or not liking him for a time, while still keeping their true best interests (not just what they think they need) in mind.

3. Women also seem to have fallen into one of two categories: the ultra-submissive woman and the controlling woman. The ultra-submissive woman believes that the man has all authority and power in a relationship and doesn't understand that the role of a wife is equal to a husband's. She is supposed to hold him accountable, supposed to voice her opinions, supposed to be carefully listened to in serious matters, and supposed to be respected and honored. She does have the responsibility of submitting to his final decision, but that does not mean submitting meekly to everything he says or does, no matter how harmful it is.

4. Other women have become controlling, mostly because they have been with weak men. When things need to get done, they take over, even though nearly all of them that I know wish that the men would be making the decisions and issuing assignments. Most women don't want the pressure of making decisions all the time. Even among non-Christians, one of the biggest turnoffs I hear is when a man picks a woman up and asks her what she wants to do on a date.

5. When a couple gets together at first, they seem to ignore their friends more than a non-Christian couple does. Whenever my non-Christian friends start seeing someone, it may be a couple months before I know about it. When my Christian friends start seeing someone, they seem to disappear from the group or be all over each other, announcing as loudly as they can that they're together. There's nothing wrong with getting excited about a new relationship, but leaving friendships behind isn't healthy at any stage in a relationship. There are times, such as the first few weeks after marriage or when children are born, that friendships will suffer for a while, but these times should be temporary and the friendships should be rekindled to at least some extent afterward.

My former young adults group used to be composed of nearly all singles. We had one married couple and a few on-and-off relationships. We were a fairly close-knit group. In the last year, nearly everyone has gotten seriously involved with someone and our camaraderie has suffered mightily. People, including me, have left the group; others are considering leaving it. There's far less care for each other and far less time spent with each other. Most of our friendships have stagnated or regressed because others are spending all their spare time with their significant others.

Lastly, both Christians and non-Christians seem to have set their hopes of happiness in someone else. I can't condemn people for this because for so long, I did the same thing. But we don't have to live like this. We don't have to focus on each other; we shouldn't focus on each other. God alone should be enough for us. If we get a relationship, that's a blessing, not a requirement for life. God doesn't owe us a relationship (or anything else) for serving Him. We don't need a relationship for validation or to be complete.

If we are blessed with one, we should remember what it is: a chance to serve the other person, to love them as God loves us. A chance to grow as a person and to help the other person grow in a loving, encouraging, challenging way. A chance to experience a great blessing God has for us on this earth. But none of these things should take the place of our God.

God's Role in Our Lives

Dependence and submission have become dirty words in our culture. None of us likes to admit that we need help from someone else on occasion, particularly in personal issues. It's funny how we generally have little problem asking for help moving furniture or other physical or job-related tasks, but the moment it gets personal, we insist on solving it ourselves. Yes, I know it's because we don't like being vulnerable, but why do we feel that way? Why is it that failure to move a couch by one's self is not considered a failure of that person, but failure to sort through one's emotional and spiritual issues is, by either that person or anyone else? Is it weakness? Yes, in a way, because we're not strong enough to make it through life on our own.

There's another reason these words have taken a negative connotation: that you owe someone you depend on. When someone helps you, you feel (or should feel) like helping them in return if you can. To use the example of moving again, if you work your tail off for someone all day, you rather expect at least a pizza at the end, maybe that and another meal if you moved a house's worth of furniture. You'd feel a little offended if the person you helped either didn't meet your expectations or did so grudgingly. Why is it then that we should not feel gratitude toward those who help us?

More to the point is the fact that moving furniture is about a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance. Issues of the heart and soul are far more important, yet it is these that we try to work out ourselves. We may ask for advice from a few trusted people, but even then, we often feel uncomfortable doing it, like we shouldn't need to or that they are looking down on us for needing help.

I currently have a friend who is going through something, but won't say what it is. She claims that answers must come from God in this. While I agree that God's wisdom is best, God often works through people. Yes, He can just zap the answer into her head, but more often than not, He uses others to encourage, correct, admonish, and teach us.

For men in particular, when we ask for help, we feel like we've accomplished less when the task is completed. This is a huge pride issue for us. God doesn't want us to be proud; He wants us to prosper. He wants us to depend on Him constantly. Here's a little secret: you already do depend on Him constantly. The fact that you are taking that next breath shows that you depend on God for allowing you to do so. If it were not His will that you do, you couldn't.

For me, personally, I can say that all three reasons contribute to me not wanting to trust God as much as I should and lean on Him. I would feel that I was unimportant if I depended on Him. Guess what? I am! I would feel that I owed Him if I depended on Him for everything. Guess what? I do, even if He does nothing for me! I would feel that I am vulnerable and weak if I needed His help. Guess what? I can't even breathe without His allowing me to do so.

So, if you already need God in a deeper, more intimate way than you can fathom, why delude yourself into thinking you can do this whole life thing on your own?