Note to Women

I just finished reading a book my mother gave me over Christmas vacation called "For Women Only." When she gave it to me, my first thought was, predictably, "Ummm...I'm not a woman." But she insisted I read it, and so I have. I'm frankly astonished, considering both how simple we men are and how direct we are in our communication, that there are some things women don't understand about us.

That being said, there are eight things the author mentioned that men wish women knew about us. For every last one, I found myself stunned that women don't already know all of these. She used professionally conducted surveys for her research and most of the polls came back with three out of four men agreeing on any given topic.

I won't go through all of the things she listed, but the gist of it is that respect is more important to a man than your love. Yes, we want love, too, but we crave respect, and we look to the women in our lives for the strongest affirmation of our value. Comments about our inability as handymen, jokes to friends about things we can't do, nagging about household chores, and trying to tell us how to do things are usually seen not as harmless, offhand comments or helpful hints, but as a lack of respect.

Men are ultra-competitive, with each other and with themselves. When you make us look bad, particularly in front of other guys, we feel embarrassed, regardless of whether you meant to embarrass us. When you express dissatisfaction with our efforts, particularly if we've tried really hard, it makes us not want to try again. And sometimes, if we do really well, we don't try again for a while just because we fear we won't be able to top it and don't want to disappoint you.

We also have a spirit of adventure. We want to figure things out for ourselves. There aren't really anymore places left to explore on this planet and most of us aren't conquering generals, fighter pilots, or spies, so figuring out how to get from A to B or how to put something together without an instruction manual is a welcome challenge to us. When you insist that we stop for directions or read the manual, we hear, "You are incompetent to do that without help."

When we're nagged, some of us hear, "You are a failure because the light switch still doesn't work." Others of us don't mind the message so much, but with our pressure to perform at work and for our family, it's really not a priority for us.

Instead of making light of your man, ladies, try to build him up around your friends. Watch him swell with pride and his eyes light up as you do. Instead of telling him he can't do something, support him by trying to help him figure it out (without the manual or stopping for directions). Is it really more important that you show up on time to a party than that he feels you respect him and his judgment? Instead of nagging him, realize that his priorities may be different.

As an add-on to that last comment, men feel a huge amount of pressure to provide for their families, even if their wives make more than they do. It doesn't matter to most of us. We also often feel that we are one mistake away at work from being exposed as incompetent, even if that's far from the truth, so those two pressures are always in the back (and sometimes the front) of our minds.

Also, sex is not a purely physical thing for guys. No, we don't feel the same emotional closeness you women do from it and no, we don't get attached as easily to someone just because we've had sex with them. But sex is intimately tied to a man's feeling of self-confidence. When you are tired from an exhausting day and just want to go to bed and your husband wants you, it may be tempting to tell him you're too tired. What he hears, though, if you're either callous about it or do it often, is, "You can't even compete with a pillow in terms of what I desire." And I'm not suggesting that you give in to him, but do it reluctantly. We can tell, and it's not enough for us. We need you to want us, too, and to be involved in and eager for sex. Nothing gives us affirmation as men quite like a woman desiring us.

In short, for our in control visages, we're often insecure. We fear being exposed as failures at work, poor providers at home, laughingstocks in front of friends, and undesirable in bed. When you tear us down instead of build us up, it not only has a profound effect on how we feel about ourselves, but it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you want your man to be the kind of husband you've always dreamed of, make sure you're respecting and encouraging him, even more than you're loving him.