Men, Women, & Relationships: A Rant

OK, before I get into this, it should be noted for those who have not read my previous posts that I am currently and have always been single. That being said, I'm so sick and tired of how things are between men and women today, both inside and outside the church.

Outside the Church:
1. There's a "three-date rule" that states you should be having sex by the third date. Those who get it sooner are considered lucky. People give themselves to each other so regularly and easily that sex has become just something fun to do and has lost all meaning.

2. There is almost no true intimacy anymore because we've lost the definition of it. It's far more than just the meaning that is supposed to accompany sex. It's supposed to be two people baring their hearts and souls to each other, understanding each other in ways they never thought it possible to understand another human being, and being known that intimately. It's having a best friend, staunchest ally, faithful supporter, and trusted confidante. Relationships today seem to be afraid of that level of commitment and trust. People have gotten into so many relationships and gotten hurt so often that they have a hard time trusting others to the level they need to for this kind of intimacy to blossom.

3. Because of the hurt people have been through, they have far less problem hurting others. I've heard of a lot of cases where people back out of relationships or sabotage them, just so they can do the hurting instead of being hurt. They keep walls up that hurt both people.

4. Also because of the hurt they've been through, they respect others less. It's a factor of both the pain they've experienced and that certain aspects of a relationship that should be earned and waited for are given so easily, such as the physical aspects.

5. Men and women don't know what they want anymore. They know what they think they want, but most seem to be going for someone to make them happy for the next few months. They want true love, but don't know what that looks like. They know what turns them on at the moment. Confidence, a great body, brains, money, and a sense of humor, while all great things, have become the basis of a lot of relationships and not the icing on the cake of a partner with a good heart and good personality.

6. Overall, there's just so much selfishness out there. Both men and women seem to be looking for someone to satisfy them temporarily and, the more that person can give and the less they need in return, the better. People want to take, but don't want to give. When a problem in a relationship comes up, a lot of them run or get frustrated at the rising cost of a relationship.

Inside the Church:

1. The men may be more respectful of women, but in many cases, we're either so soft to the point that we are easily dominated or we believe falsely that leadership means dominion over one's wife. Many men in the church believe that respecting women not only means not demanding they do things, but also asking the women before doing almost anything. They are timid, cowardly men who have given all their power to women. It's not a position that women were meant to have nor a delegation that men are supposed to give.

2. Other men believe that the command for wives to submit to their husbands mean the husbands can demand that the wives do whatever they want. Leadership is a position meant to benefit primarily those who are led at the cost of the leader. Yes, the husband is to be the head of the household and yes, he is to be respected, but a good husband understands that his role is to sacrifice his needs for the needs of the family, his desires for theirs. He leads them by serving them. He must be comfortable with them disagreeing with or not liking him for a time, while still keeping their true best interests (not just what they think they need) in mind.

3. Women also seem to have fallen into one of two categories: the ultra-submissive woman and the controlling woman. The ultra-submissive woman believes that the man has all authority and power in a relationship and doesn't understand that the role of a wife is equal to a husband's. She is supposed to hold him accountable, supposed to voice her opinions, supposed to be carefully listened to in serious matters, and supposed to be respected and honored. She does have the responsibility of submitting to his final decision, but that does not mean submitting meekly to everything he says or does, no matter how harmful it is.

4. Other women have become controlling, mostly because they have been with weak men. When things need to get done, they take over, even though nearly all of them that I know wish that the men would be making the decisions and issuing assignments. Most women don't want the pressure of making decisions all the time. Even among non-Christians, one of the biggest turnoffs I hear is when a man picks a woman up and asks her what she wants to do on a date.

5. When a couple gets together at first, they seem to ignore their friends more than a non-Christian couple does. Whenever my non-Christian friends start seeing someone, it may be a couple months before I know about it. When my Christian friends start seeing someone, they seem to disappear from the group or be all over each other, announcing as loudly as they can that they're together. There's nothing wrong with getting excited about a new relationship, but leaving friendships behind isn't healthy at any stage in a relationship. There are times, such as the first few weeks after marriage or when children are born, that friendships will suffer for a while, but these times should be temporary and the friendships should be rekindled to at least some extent afterward.

My former young adults group used to be composed of nearly all singles. We had one married couple and a few on-and-off relationships. We were a fairly close-knit group. In the last year, nearly everyone has gotten seriously involved with someone and our camaraderie has suffered mightily. People, including me, have left the group; others are considering leaving it. There's far less care for each other and far less time spent with each other. Most of our friendships have stagnated or regressed because others are spending all their spare time with their significant others.

Lastly, both Christians and non-Christians seem to have set their hopes of happiness in someone else. I can't condemn people for this because for so long, I did the same thing. But we don't have to live like this. We don't have to focus on each other; we shouldn't focus on each other. God alone should be enough for us. If we get a relationship, that's a blessing, not a requirement for life. God doesn't owe us a relationship (or anything else) for serving Him. We don't need a relationship for validation or to be complete.

If we are blessed with one, we should remember what it is: a chance to serve the other person, to love them as God loves us. A chance to grow as a person and to help the other person grow in a loving, encouraging, challenging way. A chance to experience a great blessing God has for us on this earth. But none of these things should take the place of our God.