"I Love You This Much."

I once saw a Christian shirt that had Jesus on a cross, with the caption, "I love you this much," as though Jesus were spreading His arms wide to show us. Maybe this sounds terrible to say, but that message has never been as personal to me as it should be. I've heard many people say that if it was just me that Christ had to die for, He'd do it every bit as willingly and go through all that pain just for me. That message has never seemed real to me for whatever reason. I guess I just feel like His death on the cross was more about everyone, that even though it was done in love, it didn't make me feel loved because...well, because it feels like it was for humanity and not me specifically, even if I do get the benefit.

I've had a rough week. Things didn't work out with a woman I was dating, I had to end one friendship, realized two others that had been close never will be again, felt like I almost ended my closest friendship, had it pointed out in two different ways that I've been a failure in leadership at my young adults group, and have been fighting the thought patterns that used to plague me because of all this. At the root of all of them is the same feeling: that I just want to be special to someone, and sometimes, I just don't feel I really matter to anyone other than my mom and maybe one or two friends.

A conversation with the friend today (the one I felt I almost ended things with, thank God for this person's understanding and love) reminded me that I had not been putting God first, that I was seeking other people's acceptance when all I needed was God's, and His I already had. Psalm 56:8 is highlighted in my Bible and I can't help but get emotional every time I read it. What message of love I fail to comprehend from the cross comes through in this verse. I don't know really why or how, but it is this verse more than any other in the Bible that shows me how much God cares about me individually.

"You number my wanderings, put my tears into Your bottle; are they not in Your book?"

Every step I've taken, He has recorded it. Every word I've uttered, He remembers. Every time I've wandered away from Him, He recollects. Every time I haven't been strong enough to handle what life throws at me, every time I haven't trusted Him enough to see me through and have broken down, He makes note of each tear. He does none of this so He has evidence against me, for just one instance of sin in my life would be enough to condemn me if that were His goal. He does it because He cares so much for me. He does this for everyone, I know, but I have my own page in His book. The almighty Creator of the universe is so interested in me and cares for me so much that even when I fail Him, He lovingly writes down all that I do.

Jeremiah 1:5 is another such verse, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." This verse was specifically meant for Jeremiah, as God knew he was going to be a prophet, but how individual is that? Before our mothers are even pregnant with us, God knows individually what we all will be.

Or Luke 12:6-7, "'Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.'" I can't even comb my hair and have a couple of them fall out without God taking note of it.

The cross is the greatest way God showed He cared for us, but it is the greatest single action, not the only one. All too often, it seems like He came down in the form of a man, died for us, resurrected Himself, and ascended to heaven to not be seen or heard from again for who knows how many years. We know He loves us from that action, but that's where we put our focus on the matter. It makes it so easy to feel unloved in the present, when God hasn't walked the earth in nearly two millennia. But He is still with us, watching everything you do, recording every word you speak, and remembering every tear you cry. He loves you this much.