The End of Mankind

There is an article on CNN.com right now about men needing to man up, and I agree with most of what the author said. By "man up", he means that women are earning almost half again more degrees than men, have seen their earnings rise faster, are getting better jobs than ever before, and generally seem far more mature. Men between 18 - 34 reportedly spend more time on average playing video games than boys 12-17.

I am ashamed to admit there are elements of what he criticizes us for that could be applied to my own life. While I don't usually play video games for hours and hours a day, I do play too much. I am currently looking for a job, but feel as though I have wasted most of the last three years trying to be a writer.

The one thing I liked least about the article, though, is that it didn't really delve into the reasons for the change. It essentially told men we need to get our act together and become more mature, but never explored why we're not. This is not simply a problem of our generation, nor even of just our sex.

First, people learn as children most of what they will believe as adults, especially in terms of what is acceptable behavior. If their fathers had quick tempers, they are more likely to. If their fathers were often absent, even if there is a good excuse such as having to work two jobs to pay the mortgage, then absenteeism is acceptable. If their fathers looked at women as sex objects or were no good at developing relationships, then boys will learn that's how women are to be treated. The only way out of this is for serious reflection, whether after a disaster or before, and even then, the change must be in the heart rather than just in the head if it's going to take.

To give an example of what I mean, my father has a quick temper and often yelled and swore. I used to be just as bad. Over the last few years, I've toned it down, but I still can be offended by some things too easily. I've learned to just walk away in most of those situations rather than have an outburst, but even that is not really the maturity level I should have. I need to be able to express myself in a manner that conveys that I am upset, but still be able to clearly explain why in a way that doesn't make things worse. I know it's a bad way to handle conflict. It's worse that I often just try to ignore annoyances and offenses until I can't take them anymore and then do what many consider an overreaction, since they had not seen before that I was offended by something.

Then there is the contribution of women, though this is more unwittingly and out of necessity. With more men in the last generation not being married when they had kids, leaving millions of single mothers, many boys have grown up with the notion that a woman is in control and will take care of us. Because these mothers are taking on both the role of the father and of the mother, the former of which they were, in most cases, doing without seeing their own mothers doing it, there were missteps made along the way, most notably that it's difficult for women to teach men how to be men. They are designed differently, they think differently, they act differently. They can talk about how a man should be, but they can't teach by example, and that's how most people learn behavior.

Now, I am not exonerating these boys trapped in men's bodies. Many of them are intelligent and a number went to college and even have good jobs. It's just that their emotionally immature and ill-suited to adult life. At some point in their lives, they must realize that they meant to be more than they are. They are meant to take charge of their lives. They are meant to make decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. They are meant to lead in a relationship and be the rock that her waves crash against. And if they don't know what this means, they need to ask older men or just men who have learned how to be men.

There's a show called Two and a Half Men about two men and a boy. One of the men was Charlie Sheen and you're probably all aware of his unfortunate meltdown. The producers replaced his character with Ashton Kutcher playing a handsome young billionaire who has everything...except that he and his wife are separated. He wants her back desperately, but he's all but helpless himself. He doesn't know what kind of toilet paper or shampoo to get, can't pick a restaurant for a dinner with his wife, and can't have a conversation with her without it devolving into him acting like a six-year old. While most men aren't quite that bad, men seem to be generally headed that direction. Our dependence on women has increased dramatically while our need for a real relationship with one has seemingly decreased. In other words, more and more men are looking for a mother and not a girlfriend or wife.

If there happen to be any men out there who don't know what it means to be a Christian man, here it is as I understand it:

- You don't rely on your job or significant other to make you feel good about yourself. This is because you don't need them to give you confidence; your confidence comes from how God sees you and not from how others view you. It's based on the value God has put on you, not on the value of your talents or skills or possessions.

- Because you're not dependent on your significant other or job for your feelings of self worth, you are free to treat each as they should be treated without letting a fear of losing them cloud your better judgment. There are many men who stay in jobs or relationships where they are walked all over because they fear being alone or jobless, or perhaps better said, they fear the feelings of failure from being alone or jobless. If you do not depend on these things, you do not have a controlling fear of losing them, allowing you to not put up with things you don't deserve.

- A real man controls his temper. It's ok to get angry. The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Anger is fine and sometimes perfectly justified. Cussing someone out, hitting, throwing pity parties, or crawling into a bottle are not acceptable ways to express it. Becoming silent and distant is really no better because it raises more questions with the person you're disagreeing with, causing them to become defensive and toying with their confidence. It also does nothing to solve the issue. If you are ticked with someone, spend a little time away if necessary until you can discuss it rationally, and then go and discuss it. Be direct and frank and open to the possibilities that you are either in the wrong yourself or overreacting.

- A real man leads. I don't count leading a team in Gears of War or World of Warcraft, either. . I mean a real man thinks about the direction of his life and what the relationships he is a part of need, even if that means ending them. I have recently had to end a friendship because it was no longer healthy for me. I have also pulled back from a few others because I didn't believe they were healthy for the other person. In another case, I talked to a friend about a man she was dating because I saw warning signs that I think will negatively affect their relationship down the road. Leading also includes making important life decisions that are in the best interests of everyone involved, not just himself.

- A real man is mature enough to take care of himself. Women have a vital role. They are meant to support us in a variety of ways and be partners with us in life. But their place is not to take care of every last little need we have to the point we're incompetent ourselves. A woman should not have to bug a man to turn off the X-box and go look for a job. She should not have to lay out his clothes for him every morning because he can't pick a decent outfit for himself. He should be able to fend for himself food-wise for an evening without making mac & cheese or ordering pizza or be able to do a load of laundry. Perhaps most importantly in this point, he should be mature enough to have a plan for his and his family's life, including achieving real financial security. This includes savings goals, investment plans (or at least being smart enough to let a firm manage his investments), career goals, and goals for learning new talents or skills.

- A real man is his own man. This relates to the first one quite closely. What I mean by this one is that a real man doesn't do everything his wife suggests and abandons all his own ideas if she so much as hesitates. He doesn't stop doing something he loves (provided, of course, it's not dangerous, illegal, immoral, consumes all his time, or is a drain on their finances) because she doesn't want to be a part of it or asks him not to. Guys, seriously, most women will actually respect you less if you do give up something like this. If she's bugging you to give up something that's a part of your identity, such as say watching football, reach a compromise with her. She probably just means you're spending too much time doing it. Analyze how much time you're actually spending on it and you may find she's right if you spend all weekend every weekend for five months in front of the TV. If so, compromise. Cut back and spend some time with her, but don't give it up entirely. If that's something you love and isn't harming anyone, it's unreasonable for her to make you give it up entirely.

- A real man speaks his mind when the situation calls for it. This includes calling out people for doing something wrong, even if it's not to you, on occasion. It means speaking your mind in meetings, asking questions when it's important, and not being afraid of whether others will agree with you.

- A real man loves God more than he'll ever love his wife or children and submits his life to God's will. This last key is the only way a man will ever be able to fulfill these other ones in a God-honoring way and become not just a man, but a man of God.