When to Live

I've been told that I spend too much time living in the past. It's hard lately to not live in the past, as I'm about to turn 30. I'm still single, unpublished, and without a house. For the longest time, my life has been on pause...and yet time hasn't slowed down. I was so petty and immature for the longest time, so down on myself, and so wrapped up in work that I didn't even bother to ask women out, didn't send my work to publishers, and had my money devoted elsewhere so I couldn't get a house.

And now that I'm about to turn 30, I wish so much that I could go back and do college all over. Or even from a week after graduation (there's no way I'd want to restart my do-over time with the CPA exam I took four days after graduation ;) ). I'd have been more confident, realized that it is actually possible for people to like me just for who I am, realized that God is in control (and I'm not), and not worked 80 hour weeks for about five years.

Or would I?

I recently signed a peace treaty with myself. I know it sounds stupid, but I put it down in writing that I wasn't going to hate myself anymore. I recognized the cause of it, the purported motivation behind it, and the effects it was really having, and then agreed that I wouldn't do it anymore. The treaty is actually on the wall in front of my computer. Have I broken it since? Yes, twice. But it's been three weeks, so being down on myself twice is a major step forward. And yet, I haven't asked anyone out in that time, haven't sent anything to a publisher, and haven't looked for a job. So how much has really changed? Maybe I'm being impatient. Maybe I'm feeling the stress of "impending doom" approaching on May 28 and will feel like I've missed the boat if I don't have something done.

I know that living life looking the rear view mirror won't help me going forward. What I wonder, though, is whether it's better to live in the moment or live in the future. On the one hand, none of us can predict the future, so we have to rely on God. All we can do is live in the moment. "Worry not about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself," right? On the other hand, the Bible tells us a good man stores up an inheritance for his children's children. That's some long-term thinking. It also asks, "Which of you, if building a barn, doesn't sit down first and consider whether you have enough to finish it?" It's a project that requires forward thinking to complete. Also, we're commanded to have our minds on the things of heaven and not the things of this world, which is extreme forward thinking, since we won't know what kind of treasures we've stored there until we arrive.

I know the Sunday school answer is to plan for the future, but be open to God's will changing our plans, and then not worry about it and live in the present. Like all Sunday school answers, it's long on wisdom and short on practical application.

Another quandary is why atheists live for the moment. I know the obvious answer is they have no future to live for, but to me, that makes it more imperative that they not waste the present on themselves. If there is no future for themselves, then their future is the future of others. Why should they care about others? Well, for one, caring about themselves does no real good. If, when they die, they just vanish and all existence ceases, then what good is having all the money in the world, all the women or men one could want, all the good times? "Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!" The only wisdom in such a world is helping others to see that their self-seeking is worthless, but then, if God doesn't exist, then this gives purpose to the purposeless...and isn't a purpose what we're really after? Don't we always want to know why?

So far, the most compelling reason I have to not live in the past is that it's in violation of my contract. It's not the best reason, but it's the one that is going to make the most impact on me. How much time to spend in the future and how much in the present...that's what I don't yet know.