Writing on a Sunday, Yep, That's How Awesome I Am!

And now we've come to the third and fourth masks. The third one, and the one my title jokingly refers to, is the mask of arrogance. This, along with exuberant extroversion, is probably the mask people fall for the most. After all, such a person has no problem telling you all of their accomplishments and they've led such interesting lives. Look how much they like talking about themselves. Surely, what they have to say on the topic must be interesting, right?

Here's the problem, though: if that arrogant person really is as confident as they claim to be, why do they need you to affirm it or even know about all their accomplishments? Why does he have to brag how badly he's beating you at even a simple card game? Why does she have to make catty, condescending comments about how to land a great guy? Why does this person need everyone to know about their gym routine or what they're doing at work, even when they're not asked?

It's attention that they're seeking, attention that they need.

There's an 80's martial arts movie called Bloodsport, where fighters from around the world compete in matches to crown a champion. The "bad guy", Chong Li, looks to be as strong as a gorilla and he's fairly quick with good martial arts training, the easy pick for favorite to win. Yet after each victory, he jumps around the stage, working up the crowd, feeding off their adulation. He needs it. He gets angry the one time he doesn't get it. And because he needs it, he enslaves himself to them. He depends on them for how he feels about his work, his effort, himself, and, because of this, no amount of praise will ever be enough. They could love him 1,000 times and if he doesn't get praised the 1,001st, he'll be upset.

A friend of mine once argued that confidence and arrogance can co-exist. I strongly disagree with this. If you're confident in who you really are, you don't need to prove yourself to anybody. If you're arrogant, you do. You can know that you are good at something and be arrogant in that, but the confidence in knowing you're good at something is not what I'm talking about. In fact, it's the antithesis of what I'm talking about because it's based on you and what you can do. Take that ability away and what becomes of your self-worth? That, to me, is why it is not real confidence. I know that I'm exceptional with Excel formulas, but that is no longer something that gives me value. If I couldn't do it anymore for whatever reason, my value is still the same.

Spotting a mask of arrogance is easy. Just look at whether the person can shut up about themselves, whether they can simply play a game without bragging, whether they feel they have to dominate a conversation, and how easy it is for them to insult (or how hard it is for them to compliment) someone else.

The last mask is not caring what other people think. I've heard so many people say that, to be confident, you just have to not care what others think of you (I disagree somewhat, but I'll get to that in a minute). Certain people, though, don't care what others think at all. These are the prototypical bad boys that women seem to fall for, especially in their teens and early 20s. They do what they want, when they want to do it, and don't care who doesn't like it. They're seen as people who know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it, but the reality is that they're just bullying their way through life, thinking they're better than everyone else.

A Christ-based confidence sees everyone as equals. There's no pride, nor is there reason for any.

I'm not saying a truly confident person can't go for what they want - they definitely should - but they won't feel the need to achieve it over a pile of bodies left in their wake. They won't have to order everyone around imperiously, berate those who don't listen to them, or try to control everyone. They'll have a faith that what God wants to happen will, regardless of whether people help or not.

As for not caring what other people think about you, I think a confident person should still care about it to a small extent. A friend of mine from Virginia, one of the few people who was bold enough to take me aside and correct (something for which I will always be grateful), once scolded me for being moody at parties and other social gatherings. And I was. I knew others noticed, but I had no idea it was actually bringing them down at all. I didn't know anyone aside from maybe two or three close friends cared at all. She pointed out that I was wrong to try to manipulate people into feeling sorry for me, which is what I was trying to do, even if at least partially unintentionally, and that others were indeed being affected by it. Had I not cared at all what she thought of me, I'd have ignored it and kept doing the same thing. Because I cared, I was able to listen to her correction and start changing.

The difference is that, with confidence, you don't have to be controlled by what others think of you. You can listen, then decide for yourself whether you need to change or not.

To put it another way, I've always believed that a good manager gives raises and promotions when they are deserved, not needing an employee to ask or have a personal situation that requires more money. If a manager is not aware of a specific employee's contribution, but then it is pointed out to him, that manager should decide the proper response to the new information. He shouldn't give more money to someone because they are getting married or for other personal choices, but for good work. If the money is deserved, it should be paid without the need for some personal life choice to call it into the light.

Likewise, you should be the one looking for your own flaws the hardest. That said, sometimes you will be blind to them and need others to point them out to you. When they do, you should decide whether you need to change. If you do, then change it, but don't change it based on whether the person pointing it out to you will be mad if you don't. Change it based on whether it's right to change it on its own merits. If it's not, then leave it alone and deal with whatever consequences. Take into account what others say about you, especially if you hear it more than a couple times, but don't let it control you.

I think it's time for another change of pace. I'm going to go through the five core truths of confidence next. After that, this series may well be over. It's not everything that is in the book, and that's the point. I want people to get the book. It's not because of money or fame, but because the more people buy the book, the more likely it is that complete strangers will buy it and so it will get out and help others. I'm still offering a free copy to anyone who wants it, though I don't know how much longer this will last. If you want it, buy the book, then send a screenshot of the receipt and a paypal email address to jnesscpoa@gmail.com and I will happily refund it, whether you like the book or not.