Mirrored Questions

I had a hope disappointed this weekend. It was something I thought it reasonably likely I would get, and most signs were positive. Because I had wanted it, in one form or another, for a long time, having such a promising opportunity fall through hurt, all the more so because it was unexpected.

For a brief while that day, I began questioning God. I started doubting His love for me and wondering why He created me only to give me pain. I have grown much in my trust in Him, but this trust was also called into question. God felt so far from me.

Then this morning, I had a revelation. When we begin questioning God, we should really be calling ourselves into question. When we question God's love for us, we are saying, "If you loved me, you would give me what I want." In reality, what we mean is, "I will only love you if you give me what I want." That's not love at all. When I questioned whether He loved me, what I meant was that I didn't value Him or the love He had shown me as much as what I was after. I wanted Him to earn my love when He had already earned more than I could ever fathom repaying and was worthy of my praise simply for who He is.

When we question whether God wants what is best for us, what we really mean is that our selfish desires mean more to us than His will. I have begun to trust God in the last six months more than I have since I was a little boy. I have begun to see His plan for my life and have looked back in awe at how my life seems to have been orchestrated to bring me to exactly where I am now. And yet, with one disappointment, all of this trust was called into question. Why? Because His will for my life was taking a backseat to my desire for this. Doing His will is to be my purpose on this planet, not getting what I want. What I wanted was not a bad thing, but when considered more important than God's will, it becomes an idol. I was telling God that I would trust Him with my life, but not when it comes to this one thing, that in this one thing I know better than He does what is best for me.

In Job 38-41, God rebukes Job for having questioned Him. He reminds Job of His infinite power, of His mighty works, of His great wisdom, and that He is eternal. In other words, He reminds Job of who He is: God, infinite, omnipotent, omniscient, and holy. He has the power to do what He pleases in our lives, and yet gives us free choice that we might choose to love Him. Part of this love, as with any relationship, involves trust. If God is infinitely powerful, wise, and loving, what sense does it make for me to question that His will for my life is better than my will?

When we wonder where He is, we should wonder where we have gone. Imagine that you are going to New York City. If you look at a map and find that you are further from there than you were an hour ago, do you question where the city moved to? No, you wonder how you got so lost and then you figure out how to turn around and head back. You know that the city hasn't moved.

Why, then, do we keep imagining that God has moved further from us? He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the one who will never leave us or forsake us. If we are far from Him, we are the ones who have moved.

I am still human and the pain of disappointment is still in me, as is the desire I yet have. By God's strength and grace, however, I will cease to question His goodness in denying me what I want, trust in His will for my life in all things, and turn back to Him. My questions may not have revealed when or if I ever have this desire granted, but they have revealed to me part of my heart, and may I always remember that I should be questioning myself when I am questioning God.