Focus

Last night, I went bowling with some friends. I sucked on an epic level, not seen since I was 13. I had only 47 at the end of seven frames, and I had followed the two spares I'd managed with a 1 and a gutter ball. As a very competitive person, I was furious. My friends were trying to help me feel better, trying to tell me it was just a game. I ignored them completely, partly because a few of them are just as competitive as I am and would be in almost as bad a mood, and partly because in that state, I didn't care. I ended up cussing a lot, some of it directed at them, and leaving the bowling alley before the first game even ended. It was terrible and childish and I felt bad that I was doing it even as I walked out.

Of course, I apologized to everyone that night, but the damage had already been done. An apology can influence people to forgive you, but forgetfulness is not so easily achieved.

I had gotten a ride to the bowling alley from a friend's house and so had to walk the 1.5 miles back to get my car. On the way, I started analyzing why I had reacted that way and I realized that I had made my own performance (and ultimately others' acceptance of me because of that performance) more important than anything else. I had put performance above social etiquette, above morals, even above God, and in doing so, I went against all three of those things.

It sounds melodramatic to say this about a game of bowling, but this is not about bowling itself. It is about performing well in front of those whose opinions I valued and placing too much emphasis on that performance. When I was awful, I was subconsciously believing that they would make fun of me and think less of me because of how terrible I was. I reacted that way because my hope of happiness was crumbling and I was getting buried beneath the rubble. I felt like I had nothing to show for all my efforts and was losing their respect with every ball thrown.

It is why I need God to be the center of my life. He will not crumble. He will not change or leave or let me down. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Putting our hope of happiness on anything else will only guarantee that at some point, you will feel exactly as I felt last night, or worse. Relationships come and go and often disappoint along the way. Money doesn't last. Cars and gadgets break and deteriorate. Companies can go bankrupt in a matter of a few weeks. Jobs can be lost. Only God remains the same.