Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Letting Go
I was at a camp once where you could do a "trust fall", closing your eyes and falling backwards into the arms of your friends. Most such falls happen with the faller's feet on the ground, but this one...well, for this one, you had to climb a short ladder nailed into a tree, stand on a platform about five or six feet off the ground, and then fall backward.
I didn't do it. I didn't have the faith that my classmates would catch me. (Looking back on it, I was a real pain at the time, and can hardly blame them for not wanting to.) They encouraged me to do it, but I was not about to put my safety in their hands.
Fast forward about 18 or 19 years to last night. I finally forgave myself. I know I've written about it before on here and it's even one of the (biggest and hardest) steps in becoming confident, yet I hadn't finished it for myself. I'd written down pages and pages of what I had done to others and a little of what I had done to myself, but I really hadn't forgiven myself for anything more than not getting perfect scores on everything in school.
I started up Monday on finishing the list of my failings and made up excuse after excuse to distract me from it. Yesterday, I worked on it a little more steadily but still got distracted often. Then last night, I finally buckled down and got to it seriously. I had to stop posting details. It wasn't just that it was too long of a project; it is that it was too painful to deal with. My list of failings could fill several books. Every time I thought of a particular year or a person I had once been close with, another way I had messed up came to mind. I started writing in generalizations...only to find that that, too, was too much.
I forced myself to finish that list, wondering how I could forgive myself of all of it. In Word, it was 20 single-spaced pages, with so many incidents left out or lumped together, and I didn't even go through my time in my last young adults group or last job carefully. I started writing that I forgave myself, but could only forgive myself for not getting 100s all the time.
I took a walk to pray and meditate. On the walk, I realized what I was doing by not forgiving myself: I was putting more faith in myself to ruin my life than I was putting in God to fix it. With all the things I've done, the more common theme is not what a jerk or loser I was, but that by being a jerk and loser, I had wasted so many opportunities, so many years, and I didn't believe opportunities like these will ever come again. I'm 30 now and will be 31 at the end of next month. I've had so many chances over the years and, one way or another, either missed or threw away all of them. Even if I'm given a pass until I turned 18, that's still about 13 years, about 1/6 of my expected life, thrown away, and not just any sixth, but arguably the most important one. It was the lost time, the lost chances, that I could not forgive myself for even more than all the actions or times I didn't act and should have.
But in that unforgiveness was a lack of faith in the Creator of the Universe.
Here in Colorado Springs, the city glow prevents one from seeing as many stars as you might in the country or up in the mountains, but there is one particular star that burns brighter than I've seen any star burn in Illinois, Oklahoma, or Virginia. All of the stars seem brighter, in fact. As I was looking up at this one, though, so many trillions of miles away, I realized that God formed it with a word. Some stars are so large that if they were to replace the sun, they would swallow Earth as well, and God created every last atom in them. That same God created me, took the time to count the hairs on my head, sees each heartbeat, records each thought...and loves me regardless of what I do.
When I got back to my room, I forgave myself, knowing it was the biggest step of faith I had ever taken in my life. All of the things I have done wrong in the past have been forgiven by God for a long time; now I've forgiven myself, too. For all the time I've wasted and opportunities I've missed, for what I've done to others and myself, for everything. I'm believing that the God who created the Universe has the power to change my life. I'm letting go of all the daydreams of how I wanted my life to be, letting go of the past, too. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing but the Truth
Thomas Jefferson cut out sections of the Bible that he didn't agree with. The result is the Jefferson Bible, which omits the resurrection, Jesus' divinity, and other concepts many Christians hold as core beliefs of Christianity. He wanted to boil the Gospel message down to Jesus' teachings but, while a book on the teachings of Jesus would certainly have value, dismissing the rest of the life of Jesus and who He really was corrupts the message.
Yet I believe we often do the same thing in reverse. We accept Jesus' divinity and resurrection, at least on the surface, but not His teachings. In so doing, we indirectly call into question His divinity because if we believed with all our hearts that He was God and truly wanted the best for us, would we not listen? We read Scripture about loving our neighbor as ourselves and agree with it, then we go out and call someone a moron for cutting us off in traffic or judge someone based on their clothes or haircut or job. We listen to the story about the good Samaritan and then choose to sleep in on Saturday rather than distribute food to the poor. We are humbled when we remember how much we've been forgiven of, yet we harbor grudges against those who have abused our trust.
In my book on confidence, I wrote that it was not meant to be taken as a buffet of advice, where you select the two or three morsels that make the most sense to you and disregard the rest, but that it was meant to be taken as a whole. The same holds true of the Gospel message. You cannot take just the parts that you would agree with even if you weren't a Christian and claim the rest are only for that time and culture or that they somehow don't apply to you.
One note needs to be made here: I'm not suggesting we go back to Leviticus and never touch pigs and stone people who wear clothes made of different materials. We are no longer under the old law and the point of the law was never that we had to keep it to be holy; it was that no one could possibly keep it and so we needed a Savior. We are, however, to abide by the teachings of Jesus, not that we may enter into heaven, for that is based on grace and faith, not works, but that we may please Him and that our obedience will help us grow as Christians.
The same messages of loving your enemies, forgiveness, giving freely to those who ask, abstinence until marriage, submission to husbands, putting your wife's needs before your own (the Scripture reads "as Christ gave himself to the church" after all), and always being ready with a reason for your hope all still apply. If you haven't lived up to these, this is not judgment or condemnation. I haven't lived up to them, either. No Christian ever has perfectly. What it is is an exhortation to not dismiss parts of the Bible you find inconvenient or that mess up your fun. It is an encouragement to accept all of the truth of the Gospel because only when all of the truth is accepted is all of God accepted. He is love, but He is also the ultimate truth, and you cannot know Him the way He wishes you to if you reject whichever of His words that get in your way.
Yet I believe we often do the same thing in reverse. We accept Jesus' divinity and resurrection, at least on the surface, but not His teachings. In so doing, we indirectly call into question His divinity because if we believed with all our hearts that He was God and truly wanted the best for us, would we not listen? We read Scripture about loving our neighbor as ourselves and agree with it, then we go out and call someone a moron for cutting us off in traffic or judge someone based on their clothes or haircut or job. We listen to the story about the good Samaritan and then choose to sleep in on Saturday rather than distribute food to the poor. We are humbled when we remember how much we've been forgiven of, yet we harbor grudges against those who have abused our trust.
In my book on confidence, I wrote that it was not meant to be taken as a buffet of advice, where you select the two or three morsels that make the most sense to you and disregard the rest, but that it was meant to be taken as a whole. The same holds true of the Gospel message. You cannot take just the parts that you would agree with even if you weren't a Christian and claim the rest are only for that time and culture or that they somehow don't apply to you.
One note needs to be made here: I'm not suggesting we go back to Leviticus and never touch pigs and stone people who wear clothes made of different materials. We are no longer under the old law and the point of the law was never that we had to keep it to be holy; it was that no one could possibly keep it and so we needed a Savior. We are, however, to abide by the teachings of Jesus, not that we may enter into heaven, for that is based on grace and faith, not works, but that we may please Him and that our obedience will help us grow as Christians.
The same messages of loving your enemies, forgiveness, giving freely to those who ask, abstinence until marriage, submission to husbands, putting your wife's needs before your own (the Scripture reads "as Christ gave himself to the church" after all), and always being ready with a reason for your hope all still apply. If you haven't lived up to these, this is not judgment or condemnation. I haven't lived up to them, either. No Christian ever has perfectly. What it is is an exhortation to not dismiss parts of the Bible you find inconvenient or that mess up your fun. It is an encouragement to accept all of the truth of the Gospel because only when all of the truth is accepted is all of God accepted. He is love, but He is also the ultimate truth, and you cannot know Him the way He wishes you to if you reject whichever of His words that get in your way.
Friday, March 23, 2012
The Time of Your Life
I just got done watching In Time, a new sci-fi action movie where people stop aging at 25, but only have a year to live...unless they get more time, which is the new currency. The heroes, one from the slums and the other the daughter of one of the richest men in the world, set about robbing banks and distributing the time to the poor. Basically, a futuristic Robin Hood story.
One of the lines in it is, "You can do a lot in a day." That got me thinking about how much I do in an average day. In some days, I can move mountains. In others, not so much. What if I only had one day left, though? Would I waste it? Would I have a leisurely breakfast, set about my normal day, and then end it by watching a couple sitcoms? No. I'd spend some of it contacting those I care about one last time, and the rest doing everything I could to make a difference.
I'm pretty sure I have more than just one day left. And maybe that's the problem. Or part of it anyway.
The other part is I don't get the urgency of my calling. I honestly believe that my calling is to help people learn who they are in Christ, yet I don't seem to get how much they need to learn it. The reason I had to edit my confidence book is because someone I used as an example was offended at what I'd written about them. If this person really understood the message, they would not have taken it as an accusation and, more importantly, wouldn't have been bothered by it even if I had meant it as one. (I had meant it only as an example of why I became what I was, not to point fingers. I never even placed blame, but what I had written was seen as such.) I don't mean to sound condescending in any way, but there are Christians who need to find out who they are in Christ. Knowing Christ is only half of it, and so many Christians live only half the life they're supposed to. Every day, they're struggling with their issues and I have help to offer, help that I need to offer as much as they need to get it.
The point of this post isn't that you need help if you're reading this or anything arrogant like that; it's that the world needs you to do your calling. In the movie, those people would have died without getting more time. It made them slaves to whoever had the time to offer, much like people who are unconfident are slaves to those who make them feel better about themselves. The poor needed the system to be changed, and two people set about changing it. What kind of difference would you make in someone's life if you pursued your calling like you only had one day left?
And that is why you need you to do your calling every bit as much as others need it. We aren't here on this earth to live for ourselves, but to find something greater than ourselves. If you're a Christian, you've already found something worth dying for. Now it's up to you to do something worth living for.
One of the lines in it is, "You can do a lot in a day." That got me thinking about how much I do in an average day. In some days, I can move mountains. In others, not so much. What if I only had one day left, though? Would I waste it? Would I have a leisurely breakfast, set about my normal day, and then end it by watching a couple sitcoms? No. I'd spend some of it contacting those I care about one last time, and the rest doing everything I could to make a difference.
I'm pretty sure I have more than just one day left. And maybe that's the problem. Or part of it anyway.
The other part is I don't get the urgency of my calling. I honestly believe that my calling is to help people learn who they are in Christ, yet I don't seem to get how much they need to learn it. The reason I had to edit my confidence book is because someone I used as an example was offended at what I'd written about them. If this person really understood the message, they would not have taken it as an accusation and, more importantly, wouldn't have been bothered by it even if I had meant it as one. (I had meant it only as an example of why I became what I was, not to point fingers. I never even placed blame, but what I had written was seen as such.) I don't mean to sound condescending in any way, but there are Christians who need to find out who they are in Christ. Knowing Christ is only half of it, and so many Christians live only half the life they're supposed to. Every day, they're struggling with their issues and I have help to offer, help that I need to offer as much as they need to get it.
The point of this post isn't that you need help if you're reading this or anything arrogant like that; it's that the world needs you to do your calling. In the movie, those people would have died without getting more time. It made them slaves to whoever had the time to offer, much like people who are unconfident are slaves to those who make them feel better about themselves. The poor needed the system to be changed, and two people set about changing it. What kind of difference would you make in someone's life if you pursued your calling like you only had one day left?
And that is why you need you to do your calling every bit as much as others need it. We aren't here on this earth to live for ourselves, but to find something greater than ourselves. If you're a Christian, you've already found something worth dying for. Now it's up to you to do something worth living for.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Learning Curve, Part 2
I figured out why, at least in part, I have such a shallower learning curve for life lessons than I did for math ones. The answer is simply that I don't want to learn them as much. With math, I wanted to learn as much as I could as fast as I could. It wasn't even to show off or to feel smart; it was because I liked the challenge and saw the beauty of math. I wanted to learn almost everything I could.
Also, life lessons are often seen as humbling experiences. We can see sometimes how they make us stronger, but we still see the potential payoff in ignoring the lessons we've been taught. For example, "I know I've spent too freely in the past and it's caused me to barely scrape by, but this concert is for my favorite band. I can't pass up buying a ticket, even at $100."
So with math, I saw no payoff to not learning (since even playing outside paled in comparison to going through math problems to me; I know, I was an odd kid.) and I wanted the lesson because I could see the benefit. With life lessons, the payoff is more readily seen in ignoring them, and then the lesson is humbling once I have ignored the previous lessons.
This leads me to the next question: how do I want the things of God more? How can I want them enough to be willing to learn my lessons through instruction and study rather than experience or, worse, not learning them at all? It may be a little longer before I come up with an answer to this one...
Also, life lessons are often seen as humbling experiences. We can see sometimes how they make us stronger, but we still see the potential payoff in ignoring the lessons we've been taught. For example, "I know I've spent too freely in the past and it's caused me to barely scrape by, but this concert is for my favorite band. I can't pass up buying a ticket, even at $100."
So with math, I saw no payoff to not learning (since even playing outside paled in comparison to going through math problems to me; I know, I was an odd kid.) and I wanted the lesson because I could see the benefit. With life lessons, the payoff is more readily seen in ignoring them, and then the lesson is humbling once I have ignored the previous lessons.
This leads me to the next question: how do I want the things of God more? How can I want them enough to be willing to learn my lessons through instruction and study rather than experience or, worse, not learning them at all? It may be a little longer before I come up with an answer to this one...
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Learning Curve
I enjoy math. The answers are either right or wrong, with no gray area. There can be multiple answers to some problems, but most have only one solution. Yet, there is a beauty in the math that I think a lot of people miss. There are just so many ways there are to come to that solution, as well as all the patterns that develop even in the most mundane things. 11*11=121. 111*111=12,321. And so on.
I remember learning multiplication when I was a little kid. I already knew addition and subtraction, so after my mom taught me multiplication, I asked if division was simply the opposite because it made sense to me for it to have an opposite, since addition did. She said yes, gave me an example, then gave me another one with longer division and that was it. My learning curve was very steep.
Well, in math, anyway. In life, it seems to be a different story. I've learned about God's goodness over the past few years and how futile it is to fight against God. I've learned about how He wants the best for me and how His love for me isn't dependent on what I do. I've learned about His power and faithfulness and how He's better than the other things I'm seeking. And yet...
And yet, I get distracted from His calling on my life. I forget some of the lessons I've learned and have to re-learn them. I forget how seeking my value in what my friends think of me will never make me happy or feel valuable enough. I forget that the money is really His and I'm just a steward.
I'm not beating myself up over this. It's not what God wants me to do. I do, however, have to question why my learning curve for this isn't as high as it is for math or Excel. How is it I can learn those lessons just once, but I have to learn life lessons over and over, despite getting sharper repercussions for failing life's little tests?
I know it's a heart issue. (Always is.) And it's now time for me to get back to school, learning about God, whether for the 1st time or the 100th.
I remember learning multiplication when I was a little kid. I already knew addition and subtraction, so after my mom taught me multiplication, I asked if division was simply the opposite because it made sense to me for it to have an opposite, since addition did. She said yes, gave me an example, then gave me another one with longer division and that was it. My learning curve was very steep.
Well, in math, anyway. In life, it seems to be a different story. I've learned about God's goodness over the past few years and how futile it is to fight against God. I've learned about how He wants the best for me and how His love for me isn't dependent on what I do. I've learned about His power and faithfulness and how He's better than the other things I'm seeking. And yet...
And yet, I get distracted from His calling on my life. I forget some of the lessons I've learned and have to re-learn them. I forget how seeking my value in what my friends think of me will never make me happy or feel valuable enough. I forget that the money is really His and I'm just a steward.
I'm not beating myself up over this. It's not what God wants me to do. I do, however, have to question why my learning curve for this isn't as high as it is for math or Excel. How is it I can learn those lessons just once, but I have to learn life lessons over and over, despite getting sharper repercussions for failing life's little tests?
I know it's a heart issue. (Always is.) And it's now time for me to get back to school, learning about God, whether for the 1st time or the 100th.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Meant for Something More
Facebook is meant for certain social interactions more than others. A status, for example, can be many things: a mundane update, a thought for the day, a joke, a celebration, a complaint about something not too terribly personal or serious, or even a veiled mourning oft disguised in song lyrics...but you almost never see one that is deeply personal and serious. You can talk about that over Facebook chat or messages, but most people prefer to have such conversations in person or at least on the phone.
I've been going through a lot lately. I'm now missing my friends in Virginia for an entirely different reason: I have no one to talk to about serious, personal things out here. One of those things is that my grandpa on my mom's side is close to passing away. I was talking to my mom about it and she said we were actually meant for heaven and that earth is just a pit stop.
The odd things about that statement is it's not how it originally was. We were created to live in a paradise on earth forever. Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit and changed all that. I'm not criticizing them. We all would have fallen sooner or later. Yet that action so defines our human condition in that even when we have it all, we don't seem to be satisfied. And so we opened the door to sin and made ourselves dependent on God not just for life, but for salvation.
The amazing thing is that Jesus didn't restore Eden to us. He gave us something better. Adam and Eve were not meant to die, which means they weren't originally going to heaven. We get to. Usually, I try to end with some way that turns the meaning of something I said earlier in the post or at least mentions it in a slightly different light, but I honestly don't have a clear point in this. I guess it's just something for me to be grateful for in a hard time.
I've been going through a lot lately. I'm now missing my friends in Virginia for an entirely different reason: I have no one to talk to about serious, personal things out here. One of those things is that my grandpa on my mom's side is close to passing away. I was talking to my mom about it and she said we were actually meant for heaven and that earth is just a pit stop.
The odd things about that statement is it's not how it originally was. We were created to live in a paradise on earth forever. Then Adam and Eve ate the fruit and changed all that. I'm not criticizing them. We all would have fallen sooner or later. Yet that action so defines our human condition in that even when we have it all, we don't seem to be satisfied. And so we opened the door to sin and made ourselves dependent on God not just for life, but for salvation.
The amazing thing is that Jesus didn't restore Eden to us. He gave us something better. Adam and Eve were not meant to die, which means they weren't originally going to heaven. We get to. Usually, I try to end with some way that turns the meaning of something I said earlier in the post or at least mentions it in a slightly different light, but I honestly don't have a clear point in this. I guess it's just something for me to be grateful for in a hard time.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Something to be Mad About
I had a bad week last week. I still haven't fully recovered from it. The two worst things happened Wednesday and Thursday and I've been mad since when I think of them. Yesterday, in an effort to get my mind off these things, I watched a Bulls game and was getting pretty mad at them for a lack of effort and sloppy play. I went to get a drink at halftime and it struck me that I wasn't really angry with them. Disappointed, yes, perhaps even a little frustrated because this was a big game, but not angry. I don't really get angry at sports teams unless they play dirty. No, I was still mad about these two situations and looking for something to take it out on.
I try to not get too political during these posts, but I'm afraid my time in Virginia has irreparably corrupted me in that regard. I pay attention to politics now and it shows from time to time. In the past year, voter outrage seems to be at an all-time high. There was the debt ceiling crisis, California's gay marriage bill being passed then overturned (and that last decision is now being appealed), other states allowing gay marriage, the score of Republican Presidential nomination debates (I wish I was exaggerating on that number), the Occupy Wall Street movement, Greece and Italy near financial collapse, our market teetering between recovery and downturn, and a number of things I'm sure I'm forgetting. The latest one is whether employers or the government (read: taxpayers) should be required to provide contraception to women. Whether you're for or against it isn't the point; it's just another issue that not only seems to divide people into two basic camps, but inflames their anger to disproportionate levels.
I'm sure there are people who believe that certain of these issues really are of monumental importance. For example, for people who have lost their retirement savings because they invested in companies that went belly up because of their executives' criminal actions and then watch as these executives get only 2-5 years in prison, I totally understand the outrage. For most people, though, it seems that each controversy isn't so much a big deal on its own, but just something for people to get riled up about.
I go to CNN.com daily and regularly post comments on articles. I try to be logical and even-tempered, knowing that very few people on there respond well to, "The Bible says..." Yet every article that even mentions God or a religious person has a swarm of people saying everything from, "Religion should be banned; it is the cause of all evil in the world," to the relatively tame, "You have no right to tell me what you believe. Believe it all you want, but keep it to yourself." On ESPN, every article mentioning a known Christian athlete, such as Tim Tebow, gets the same treatment.
There's so much anger in the world. I'm sure not everyone is just waiting to explode, but there are so many people who can be easily riled up over things that don't even affect them personally. Or who get so furious over issues that they can't discuss them without resorting to name-calling and insults, let alone rationally and logically.
I've written before (at least on fb) that if our beliefs were stronger, it wouldn't matter whether someone disagrees with us. To quote from the Matrix: Reloaded,
"Not everyone believes what you believe."
"My beliefs do not require them to."
No anger from Morpheus in his reply, no shaking of his faith, no demand that his commander believe the same thing. No insults. No name-calling. No judgment for not sharing his faith.
It makes me wonder how much faith we've lost, how scared we as a society have gotten that things won't work out for us. How insecure many people, both Christian and non-Christian, must feel deep down if they can get so upset so easily.
There are things that it is right to be upset about. If you're one of the people that gets angry easily, is upset over things that don't personally affect you, or gets too upset over them, though, try to figure out what's really going on in your life. What are you really mad at? Is that anger based in fear of something either happening or never happening? Are you even positive your position is right (and if you are, why are you angry with others for disagreeing with you)? Why do you feel superior to those who disagree with you? Since a need to feel superior comes from a fear of inferiority, who do you feel inferior to? If you are willing to answer all these questions, you just might find what you're really so mad about.
I try to not get too political during these posts, but I'm afraid my time in Virginia has irreparably corrupted me in that regard. I pay attention to politics now and it shows from time to time. In the past year, voter outrage seems to be at an all-time high. There was the debt ceiling crisis, California's gay marriage bill being passed then overturned (and that last decision is now being appealed), other states allowing gay marriage, the score of Republican Presidential nomination debates (I wish I was exaggerating on that number), the Occupy Wall Street movement, Greece and Italy near financial collapse, our market teetering between recovery and downturn, and a number of things I'm sure I'm forgetting. The latest one is whether employers or the government (read: taxpayers) should be required to provide contraception to women. Whether you're for or against it isn't the point; it's just another issue that not only seems to divide people into two basic camps, but inflames their anger to disproportionate levels.
I'm sure there are people who believe that certain of these issues really are of monumental importance. For example, for people who have lost their retirement savings because they invested in companies that went belly up because of their executives' criminal actions and then watch as these executives get only 2-5 years in prison, I totally understand the outrage. For most people, though, it seems that each controversy isn't so much a big deal on its own, but just something for people to get riled up about.
I go to CNN.com daily and regularly post comments on articles. I try to be logical and even-tempered, knowing that very few people on there respond well to, "The Bible says..." Yet every article that even mentions God or a religious person has a swarm of people saying everything from, "Religion should be banned; it is the cause of all evil in the world," to the relatively tame, "You have no right to tell me what you believe. Believe it all you want, but keep it to yourself." On ESPN, every article mentioning a known Christian athlete, such as Tim Tebow, gets the same treatment.
There's so much anger in the world. I'm sure not everyone is just waiting to explode, but there are so many people who can be easily riled up over things that don't even affect them personally. Or who get so furious over issues that they can't discuss them without resorting to name-calling and insults, let alone rationally and logically.
I've written before (at least on fb) that if our beliefs were stronger, it wouldn't matter whether someone disagrees with us. To quote from the Matrix: Reloaded,
"Not everyone believes what you believe."
"My beliefs do not require them to."
No anger from Morpheus in his reply, no shaking of his faith, no demand that his commander believe the same thing. No insults. No name-calling. No judgment for not sharing his faith.
It makes me wonder how much faith we've lost, how scared we as a society have gotten that things won't work out for us. How insecure many people, both Christian and non-Christian, must feel deep down if they can get so upset so easily.
There are things that it is right to be upset about. If you're one of the people that gets angry easily, is upset over things that don't personally affect you, or gets too upset over them, though, try to figure out what's really going on in your life. What are you really mad at? Is that anger based in fear of something either happening or never happening? Are you even positive your position is right (and if you are, why are you angry with others for disagreeing with you)? Why do you feel superior to those who disagree with you? Since a need to feel superior comes from a fear of inferiority, who do you feel inferior to? If you are willing to answer all these questions, you just might find what you're really so mad about.
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